Real people with real emotions

I have a new mission in life. To show people what a human looks like. You may have seen this in recent posts that I'm a little more intense than I used to be. Well, life has become intense!

If you were to see me, you'd see my usual, chipper face. I'm still as peppy as I always have been. I'm still as joyful as ever. 

But there's an added component to my personality that seems to be throwing people lately. Because life got intense, every aspect of who I am also intensified. Every emotion is stronger. Every gift & talent is multiplied. Every passion is magnified. I'm not being moody, I'm just showing emotion. It's real! It's sometimes raw! And apparently it can be offensive if you are someone who prefers that we all just smile and look pretty all the time. 

I grew up as a Pastor's kid. In a sense, it's kind of like being President's kid. Everyone is looking... all the time. You always have to be "on". You don't get to throw a tantrum, because your parents will hear about it in a staff meeting. You can't have an attitude about the Children's Christmas Program, just like the first daughters can't have an attitude about a Turkey Pardoning. It doesn't matter how stupid and cheesy it is... you suck it up and smile!

Despite this, I LOVED being a Pastor's daughter. Hide and seek in the church after everyone had left, taking home church picnic leftovers, meeting interesting people... not to mention being at every prayer meeting, every service, every event. We took every special speaker out to lunch which means I've met Missionaries, Evangelists, Preachers, Teachers, Apostles... I am honored to have grown up this way. 

But back to my point. ;)

I grew up with the understanding that I could not show emotion. My mom and I have chatted about this a lot lately. She never told me this, but it's how I understood it. I felt like I could not be sad, upset, overwhelmed , angry, bitter... I thought I just had to smile and look pretty. Always. 

The funny thing is now, as I'm learning how to be real with myself, people are shocked! Well, friends... I am REAL!

Real people cry. 

Real people get angry. 

Real people have hard things happen. 

Crying, being angry, feeling overwhelmed... these are emotions. God created these emotions. God has shown these emotions. Now that I've allowed myself to be real, I've begun to see the emotions in the Bible. 

When God created the world... pride. 

When He flooded the world... anger, pain, sadness. 

When God showed Abraham the stars, or when He parted the Red Sea... hope. 

When the Israelites constantly did the wrong things... disappointment. 

When Jesus was born... joy. 

When Jesus died on the cross... grief. 

When Jesus rose again... fulfillment. 

You see, even God has emotions. So I think that showing them & being REAL is exactly what He would want. Should we act in anger? No. Should we yell and rant and get nasty at people? No. Acting in anger or frustration is typically going to lead to destructive behavior that harms others, but that's not what I'm talking about. 

Sometimes life is hard. Life hurts. I think there's grace to cover it. There's grace for the good times and the bad. 

So next time you see a post that says "it's okay to be angry"... know that I'm okay. I'm not in danger. I'm not harming anyone. I'm just being. I'm a real person with real feelings... and I just happen to write about them. :)

Get ready...

Every week I get emails from people, mostly moms, who want to know how we handle certain things.

"What do you give your kids for snacks?"

"Do you eat only organic?"

"What kind of sunscreen do you use?" 

"Do you make your own laundry detergent?"

I always tell them that we didn't just dive in & do everything at once! We took baby steps. Especially with our kids, we took things slow. We introduced one or two things a week, and we STILL aren't where we want to be. We are still trying new things, adjusting our routines, and learning every day. 

Starting the day after Christmas, I will be doing a series called "Baby Steps". It will run December 26 through 31. We will talk about the 6 areas to start with when you're looking to start (or continue) your crunchy/natural/granola journey. 

Make sure you FOLLOW this page to get all the updates & be the first to see a very special project that will kick off our Baby Steps series. 

I'll give you two clues: YouTube... Parody

Thanks for being a part of this awesome family!! I just love all of you!!

It's ok to be angry

This week I had a funeral to attend. My Aunt died suddenly the week of Thanksgiving & the funeral was in Nebraska. Thanks to the ONE & ONLY benefit of having a strictly bottle-fed baby, I was able to go without my little guy. I took the pump & tried to keep up. I couldn't though!

When I got home & tried to get back on my pumping schedule, it was nearly impossible. My typical low supply is now half of what it was. 

For almost 6 months I dealt with feelings about this postpartum. I cried every day. I had extreme anxiety that I would get somewhere without all the things I needed (diapers, bottles, enough milk, pump, the baby, another child, etc...). I had an insane amount of FEAR that I would fail. At everything. Because I felt like I had failed as a mother. But I was never angry for long!

I have this understanding about anger that it's a useless emotion. I used to feel that way about crying, but got over that during my 6th pregnancy. Haha!

So, all of these emotions had calmed down. Then after I got home this week & was attempting to pump, only getting ONE OUNCE, at 1:00am, I had just had enough. I took those pump shields and chucked them across the room. They were basically useless. I felt basically useless. 

I thought, "Here I am, with a hungry baby & all have to give him is milk from another mom. ONE donor is all I have left. Everyone else is nursing their own babies. And here I am with two boobs that don't work!"

I just sat there, while my husband fed him a bottle, crying. I was also ranting about my broken boobs. He just listened. And then he put his hand on my knee & said five words. Five words that no one had said. In 7 months of broken boobs, tracking down donor milk, anxiety, depression, Failure To Thrive, pumping constantly, and feeling like a complete failure as a mother... no one had said these five words. He said, "It's okay to be angry!"

It's okay!

Everyone, with the best intentions & sweetest hearts, had tried to fix it. All the moms had a miracle cure for low supply, or a suggestion for where to find donor milk (I had already tried everywhere). The church ladies all wanted to cure my depression & pray for me. Friends without kids or who had never breastfed didn't understand why I cared so much! And until I let it be okay to be angry, I didn't understand either. I figured it was just because I had done it five other times and it was the crunchy thing to do!

But when I started my rant, it came out.

Breastfeeding is the first thing I was good at as a mom. I have mentioned before that I never really wanted kids. So, I had my traumatic first birth & then didn't really know what to expect! 

My sweet baby boy came out and then was laid on my tummy as I was stitched up. He looked gross to me, as a 19 year old. Haha! So, I waited until they cleaned him. As soon as this bundle was given to me, we locked eyes for the first time. He had the brightest, most perfect eyes. And they didn't look at anyone else but me! Within moments he was rooting. The nurse said "you can try to breastfeed if you want! I can help you!" She turned around to set something down & before she could get back to me, I had him latched. I can't explain it... I just KNEW HOW. We had lots of difficulties breastfeeding through lip ties & oversupply, but I kept going. With each baby, I breastfed longer. Efton was 9 months. Eliza was 11. Elias was 12. Ester was 15. Ezrah was 30 months! He was exactly 2 1/2 & I had to stop nursing him when I got a bacterial infection on my nipples after Easton was born. 

The point is I WAS GOOD AT IT! I was proud of it! It was something I overcame already & I was certain I could again... until I realized that there was nothing I could do. There was nothing I could change. 

I have accepted the circumstances and I've accepted the anger that comes with it. It's not directed at any person. It's just anger! 

So I'm going to let myself be mad. I'm mad at the stupid infection that signaled a temporary shut off of my pituitary. I'm mad at the stupid ER visit. I'm mad at the stupid pump shields that have gotten more action than my own husband in the past 7 months. 

And when I'm not angry, I'm going to be grateful. Grateful for the precious mommas who have pumped for us, even if just a single bag of breastmilk. I'm grateful for our amazing doctors who helped me fight for what little supply I have. And I'm grateful for my precious baby boy who brings me such joy. I cannot be angry when I hold him. I just can't. 

My breastfeeding journey... and how I increased my supply

WARNING: graphic details ahead...

Hey there friends!

I've received a few questions about how I was able to get my milk supply from NOTHING to 16-24 ounces when Easton was 4 months old. Unfortunately that was all I was able to get to, but it took a lot of work.

So, I would like to share my journey with you all. I know it helped me a lot to hear of other moms who had been through similar struggles. 

The week before I went into labor, I woke up sick. I had a killer sore throat, but it felt like just allergies. So I treated it like allergies. I used my oils & felt great! Easton was born on Friday, May 9. Then, when he was 2 days old, I spiked a fever. We spent the day in the ER. I was so, so sick. They said it was probably a UTI, so they prescribed an antibiotic. I still didn't have milk. The next day, 2 of the people who attended my birth came down with strep throat. 

I took loads of vitamins, placenta pills and fenugreek. I ate well and was well hydrated. I latched him at every opportunity, and pumped for 15 minutes after latching him. He didn't latch for long, but there wasn't anything coming out so I didn't think anything of it. He was hungry, so we began to supplement with donor milk. We tried spoon feeding & syringe feeding so that he did not get used to any nipple but my own... but he wouldn't take either. So, we had to start using a bottle.

At 7 days postpartum, I was just 2 days short of completing my antibiotic, and we decided to wean me off of that and try using the bacteria protocol for Essential Oils. We were concerned that while the infection was probaly the initial reason for my milk not coming in, that the antibiotic had been shown to cause a reduction in breastmilk supply. Since I had NO milk, it was just keeping my milk from coming in. I love my oils & was willing to try anything! IT WORKED!

When Easton was 10 days old, I finally got something! However, it was only colostrum. I could pump a half ounce of colostrum after a 20 minute pumping session. I was doing this every hour.

This is when I had to get serious. I needed milk... like, yesterday. When he was 3 weeks old, nothing had changed. Our lactation consultant suggested everything I was doing, PLUS adding in some more supplements. I increased my placenta pills to 3 pills, 3 times a day. We also added in the same amount of Fenugreek, Goat's Rue, More Milk Plus, and GoLacta. I was double pumping every hour, plus latching him first. He hated the latching, but I pushed through. We began bottle feeding him upright, rather than cradling him, to keep bottle & breast feeding separate. I also was eating lactation cookies, oatmeal, and every other food that was shown to increase supply.

My milk slowly began to come in, but Easton was not gaining weight. Babies who are stressed or have a stressful environment often do not grow. We were keeping an eye out.

At 2 months, we were still supplementing with donor milk from my amazing sister-in-law. I had increased the size of my pump shields twice after several blocked duct issues. That alleveated those issues & my supply was at 12 ounces. Coincidentally, this was the amount that I had when nursing my 2 1/2 year old throughout my pregnancy with Easton. So not only had I not had new milk come in, but I lost my supply for Ezrah. He was happy with just comfort nursing for a while, until it got worse. 

When Easton was 10 weeks old, we went back to the lactation consultant because of some other disturbing issues that had come up. My nipples. They were bad. They were bleeding, had broken out in a rash, and were bright red. I had also developed rashes all over my body. I had what looked like an infection on my bottom. I had started using oils, but was not using them very agressively. As soon as she saw me, she knew something bad had happened. I had a serious bacterial infection. Was it the strep from before his birth that morphed into something else? Maybe. Was it the UTI that morphed into something else? Maybe. Did it matter? Nope! All that mattered was NEITHER of my boys wanted to nurse. Ezrah quit cold turkey & Easton would arch his back and refuse the breast. He hadn't latched in 2 weeks. He also was severely underweight. He was cranky. He wasn't pooping. He now had Failure To Thrive and had dropped off the breastfeeding growth charts completely. I didn't know what to do. I had done everything!

We tried to supplement formula & he got even worse. He just screamed at me all the time. He was miserable. 

So, we had to address the infections. I took an antibiotic as well as the Essential Oils. I also used a topical antibiotic on my nipples. Within 48 hours, we were seeing huge results. I was still taking all of the supplements from before, as well as a prenatal, Juice Plus+ and probiotics. 

After the infection cleared up, we tried to get him to latch. Not once. He was done. We continued to try, but here I am at 7 months with a baby who screams if I make him latch. 

The issue at hand was his weight & increasing my supply. Once the infection was clear, we were able to get my supply up to 16-24 ounces. It was hard work, but I was able to maintain that for a couple months by pumping around the clock after feeding him. Then, I reached out on Facebook. I shared my story & asked for help. I had 6 moms commit to regular milk donations, then a couple moms offer us their freezer stash! Things were looking up!

Easton was 3 months old and those donors pumped for us for about 2 months. It was such a blessing. Once he started getting PLENTY of donor milk and no formula, he began to poop again. Then he began to slowly gain weight. 

By 5 months, our donors began to trickle off, but I always was able to find someone to take their place. At 6 months, I had a hard couple of weeks. My supply was dropping again and 3 donors told me they would need to quit pumping for us all in the same week. I was devastated. We had made it this far & I was starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. We found a formula that he would tolerate, but if I gave it more than twice a day, he would stop pooping. So we did that & was soon connected with another momma with milk. 

I also had to start solids early. I know this doesn't sound like a big deal to most people. Most people want to start their kids on solids as soon as possible. I do not. You see, we had 4 out of our first 5 kids with some sort of food intolerance or allergy. One is a severe allergy. Two of our boys have ADHD. One has Autism Spectrum Disorder. That same child, and one other have Sensory Processing issues. All of these things are related to GUT ISSUES. In particular, food allergies and sensitivities are linked to beginning solids before the intestinal tract is ready. Our first 4 children started solids at 4 months... THAT IS TOO EARLY. Lots of research agrees with this. So, just as I was beginning to heal emotionally from thsi traumatic Post Partum experience, I got this lovely thing added in. I was so scared that one more thing would go wrong. I mean, just imagine our meals... I have 2 with a serious dairy intolerance, 1 serious peanut allergy, 1 gluten intolerance. There is very little that EVERYONE can eat! We frequently make multiple meals. Throw in the awesome sensory issues and that means nothing blended or too soft for one child and nothing to crunchy for another. I couldn't handle one more food issue!!! I just couldn't. So we started slow, but are definitely avoiding all dairy and all grains for quite a while. I just pray everytime we try a new food that he won't have a reaction. 

So, we are making it. This has been the hardest thing I have ever had to walk through. It's been a chain of situations that all were linked together. It has felt like just one thing after another, but I know it has made me stronger. And just think... 7 months ago I didn't have this experience to draw from as a Doula and Childbirth Educator. So, I'm just thinking of this as a really intense training...

and I sometimes throw the pump pieces across the room. ;)

Tight ropes and duct tape

Postpartum depression. 

We all know the term.

According to the website Postpartum Progress,

"Recent research has found that 15% of new moms get postpartum depression, or one in seven.  We know, however, that in women of low socioeconomic status the rate jumps to 25%.  Since approximately 4 million babies are born each year, that would mean at least 600,000 women in the U.S. have PPD annually. We would argue that number is even higher, because there are 6 million clinically recognized pregnancies each year (including live births and pregnancy losses) and we know that women who’ve suffered miscarriages are also at risk of PPD. This means it’s more likely that more than 800,000 women a year get PPD."

It's not just depression either! According to the same website, 

this is a list of perinatal mood and anxiety disorders you should know about:

Postpartum Depression 

Antenatal Depression 

Postpartum Anxiety 

Postpartum OCD 

Postpartum Panic Disorder 

Postpartum Post-Traumatic Stress DisorderPostpartum Psychosis

As a birth educator, this is important to me. 

As a mother, this is important to me. 

As human beings, this should be important to all of us. 

Why? 

Well... 

Do you have a mother? 

Do you have a wife or sister or daughter who is or could someday be a mother? 

Do you know anyone, anywhere, who might ever be a mother? 

You do?

GREAT! Then we're all on the same page here. 

MOTHERS ARE IMPORTANT!

So, if mothers are important and babies are important... then why does most of our society de-value the work that it takes to create and birth both of these. Like I said in my birth story... the thing I love about birth is that a baby is not the only thing born. The act of valuing the mothers and families that are also birthed & begun when a baby is born is of utmost importance, and yet our actions are speaking louder than our weak and shallow words.

We say we believe that women deserve paid maternity leave. We say that new moms should rest after having baby. We say that we believe in women's rights.

BUT

What I'm seeing, as an Educator... What I'm seeing as a Doula... What I'm seeing as a new mom...

Is the exact opposite.

Mothers are expected to go back to work at 6 weeks postpartum.

Family members are coming to visit from across the country NOT TO TAKE CARE OF A NEW MOM, but to stay, expecting this mother to cook & entertain.

New fathers are not helping their significant other with the baby throughout the night, resulting in a more exhausted mom the next day, THEN being disgruntled that she's "being emotional".

Meals are not being brought to new mothers following their birth like they used to.

The expectation of a baby sleeping through the night or being on a schedule is looming over new mothers' heads.

There's pressure from magazines and even significant others or family members to lose baby weight quickly and fit back into pre-pregnancy clothing. 

HOW ARE THESE THINGS HONORING THE IMPORTANCE OF MOTHERS?

These things can make a new mom feel like she has a thousand expectations and responsibilities all while trying to care for her baby. It's like someone who has never done it before, juggling while walking across a tight rope. It's impossible and potentially dangerous.

How can we change this? What can we do to help? 

There's a concept taught by the Bradley Method of Childbirth, called the
"Six Needs of a Laboring Woman". 

I have come up with the

FIVE NEEDS OF A POSTPARTUM WOMAN

1. Freedom to feel

New mothers have a hormonal circus going on inside of them. Their hormones just reached heights, during birth, that they will only ever reach again if they have another baby. A breastfeeding mother still has to produce milk and has a quickly shrinking uterus that also requires her endocrine system to work overtime. Oxytocin, in particular, is at its peak during birth and postpartum. 

THIS IS ALL NORMAL AND OKAY!

Let it be okay for mom to be emotional. She will go from happy and laughing to teary-eyed and fragile within moments. 

2. Freedom to rest

When I had my first baby, the nurses just told me "sleep when the baby sleeps and don't over-do it"... that was it. Now that I have had six babies, I know that this advice is the greatest, but often most unattainable advice new moms are given. 

I give all my students & clients the same advice:

Commit to one full week in bed, with your baby. While you're there, you nap, nurse your baby A LOT, read books to or play games with other children, eat healthy meals and snacks, find a new show to watch on Netflix, read a new book, drink tons of water... This is how milk supply is established. This is how you recover. Then, take a week and continue to rest. This doesn't mean in bed all day, but just hanging out & nursing as much and as often as baby would like. During this time, you are not the family chef or the errand runner. You have friends and family that can step in. If you do not, there are postpartum doulas who do just this. After two weeks, I encourage everyone to take weeks 2 through 4 and begin to slowly start doing things, but not overly-strenuous activities like grocery shopping with all your children, going to the zoo, vacuuming, or walking up and down steps all day long. Also steer clear of potentially emotionally strenuous activities such as dealing with your mother-in-law. You are the boss. You know what you can handle. I'm talking to new moms here, but those around you need to give you the chance to heal properly. Postpartum recovery is important NOW and for the future. 

3. Freedom to nurse

I'm going to say very little about this, as I could quickly go off on a tangent. Nursing around the clock is safe, healthy & what comes natural to babies. They need the nutrition often because their tummies are so very tiny in those first weeks. Your nipples need the stimulation to trigger your body to produce milk. Both mom and baby need the oxytocin stimulation produced during breastfeeding. You cannot nurse too often in those first weeks.  Ignore anyone's comments or opinions that suggest otherwise. Your milk supply will benefit greatly from this.

4. Freedom to practice self-care

Moms... YOU ARE IMPORTANT. Baby is too. All too often though, we are so focused on the resting, nursing, eating, drinking, and possibly pumping that we forget to do the important things like shower, take our vitamins, or brush our teeth. If you have a partner, relative or friend willing to hang out with or wear a sleeping baby for you between feedings... take this opportunity to get a quick shower and fix your hair. Heck, maybe even shave your legs! Developing habits of self-care as a new mother is super important! You are definitely worth it!

5. Freedom to make mistakes

Veteran moms... raise your hand if you've ever made a mistake. If we were in a room together, every mother would raise her hand. We are all human. No one is perfect. We all screw up as parents at some point & our children will all be okay. Give yourself some grace to be imperfect, mommas. 

And everyone else, who is watching from the sidelines? Do us all a favor & just keep your opinions to yourself. If she doesn't ask for advice, don't give it. If she seems overwhelmed, ask if you can help, but don't pressure her. Sometimes we need to conquer things for ourselves to prove we can do it. This could be a trip to the grocery store or the first day that our husband goes back to work. If, as an onlooker, you simply cannot help yourself & think you may offer advice from when you had babies... 

by all means use duct tape.

Easton & I, hours after he was born

V is for VICTORY!

I have had two really good weeks. I wasn't sure if they would ever come, but they have and it's been wonderful. I've been really struggling with Postpartum Anxiety and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder since Easton was born & there were days when I thought I would never get better.

Here's how it went down... During my birth, I had a prolonged second stage. As I was pushing, we discovered a lip of my cervix that had not dilated. I had to try not to push while my midwife manually stratched that part of my cervix. Yes, it hurt. Well, if you've read my first birth story, you know that I was told to stop pushing with that birth as well. It wasn't a pleasant experience. In fact, if I close my eyes, I can see it all in my head. I can almost relive it right now. It was traumatic. So you can imagine what went down when those same feelings were triggered during this last birth.

The day after Easton was born, I spiked a fever from a bacterial infection and was in the ER. Anytime you have a fever less than 48 hours postpartum, there are lots of red flags. It could be just a virus... or it could be something very serious. So, obviously we were verifying that it was nothing serious. However, I had a perception of danger and a serious fear that I was going to die and never see my babies again. That is the down side of being a birth educator in situations like this. I know all the possible outcomes.

Then, because I was sick, in the hospital for a day and had experienced a very intense birth, I wasn't able to spend the time with him immediately after like I had wanted. We didn't bond like we should have. He had a tongue tie. I was on antibiotics. I was dehydrated. My milk didn't come in. It was a recipe for a disaster.

So, that's what caused it. Throw in a few other difficult situations and a challenging breastfeeding experience & that's been my life for almost 5 months.

The amount of time I've spent praying, reflecting, writing, venting & caring for myself has been crazy. I think that if everyone had to go through a Postpartum experience like this, we'd be a very wise, deep, in-touch culture. Haha! I've never learned so much about myself while feeling so much UNLIKE myself all at the same time.

I mentioned recently that I've had a lot of critics lately and I think so much of that was because no one has ever seen me go through anything like this. I've never been through so much AT ONE TIME before. And going through it all while battling a mental/emotional disorder is something else entirely.

There were weeks when I wouldn't sleep. I would be up all night, reliving Easton's birth... reliving his first days. I've gone through every possible scenario, and I know how each little decision could have changed the course of events. I can't change any of them though. It's too late.

I settled on that fact recently. I can't change any of this. Bad stuff happened. Hard stuff happened. But I am focusing on the good outcomes... like my precious Easton. He's going to be 6 months old tomorrow and he is precious. He's crawling, pulling up, trying to wave and talk... of course, the baby who I feel like I missed so much with is doing everything so fast. Haha!

I'm focusing on my baby, I'm taking care of myself, and I dove headfirst into my work more than ever before. I began to channel all of my disappointment and anxiety into serving and educating other mommas. I keep my Essential Oils going and I just keep pouring into these moms because the only reason right now that I can see for me having to walk through this stuff, is so that I can help more moms.

So this week I had several good days. I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I felt like myself more days than not. It's going to be fine. I can't wait to get to the other side of all this, look back and say "I MADE IT!"But for now, a couple good days in a row is a good enough victory for me. And as my 6 year old says... "V is for VICTORY!"

There Is A Season (turn, turn, turn)

Seasons change. I taught my children about this in our homeschool this year.

As far as the literal seasons, I personally am a fan of warm weather, so late spring to early fall are my favorite seasons. I like flowers, swimming, tank tops, flip flops, and being outside. Cold weather means I'm inside more. Cold weather means coats. Cold weather means socks. Boo to all of those things!

However, whether I like it or not, winter is necessary. There must be seasons in order for the "circle of life" (thank you Lion King) to happen. We have to have that dying season, where plant life rests, for the other more beautiful seasons to happen. And sometimes in the winter, if we get lucky, we get brief glimpses of beauty.

Well, so it is in the metaphorical seasons of our lives. At least, that's what I'm learning.

You see, I prefer the warm, pretty season where I get to be comfortable. This is the season where my life isn't so difficult. It's the season when I am still working, but life is not one thing after another. I get to enjoy!

However, I seem to have been in an extended "winter" season for the past few months. Nothing has gone the way it was supposed to. Nothing has been easy. Actually, everything has gone very, very wrong. I do not want to just whine while I blog, so I'll make it short and simple. In the past 8 months, everything from Eli's ASD to our finances, my birth, breastfeeding, my mental and emotional health, Easton's health... all of it has gone terribly wrong.

And it's not enough that it's all been so crappy, but on top of everthing in my personal life being like this, a handful of people around me have all found it necessary to critique everything I say and do. I NEVER post frustrations or vent on Facebook. However, I do have an incredibly supportive group of friends on there who NO MATTER WHAT, will always be on my side, encouraging me. So I've vented a few times, gaining the encouraging words I truly needed... but always after that SOMEONE has to give their opinion. As usual, I have to take the high road & either respond gracefully or not respond at all.

I often wonder if my spring time will ever come. I'm ready for a new season. For example, I'm ready to say goodbye to complications with medical bills & insurance that never would have happened if it weren't for all these health issues that never would have happened if it weren't for other things that never would have happened if... do you see how this works? I so often write and teach on the "snowball effect" of interventions in labor & childbirth. Well, it's certainly still winter & the snowballs are rolling.

But now I'm gonna pull out the Bible. There is a scripture in Ecclesiastes 3:1 that says
"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven."

My mom always reminds me that just because something is hard, doesn't mean it's bad. It's just hard.

So, here we are... going through a season... 
A season of hard stuff.
A season of disappointment.
A season of lost hopes.
A season of critics.
A season of learning experiences.
A season of growth.

Because after the winter... the spring comes. I'm holding out for the metaphorical spring and praying it comes before the literal one, considering it's just now November.