If you've been following my posts, you know we have been walking through a lot of hard stuff with our 5 year old.
We were told he has ADHD & is on the Autism Spectrum, both of which I have been frantically trying to learn about since that initial doctor visit in April.
We were already experiencing the external things related with these:
Fits & tantrums
Obsessive behaviors
Exaggerated reactions
Lack of focus
Digestive issues
Social struggles
Extreme anxiety
Sensory overload
The thing I was not prepared for was how it would affect me in a mental and emotional way.
SOMETIMES YOU CAN'T DO IT ALL.
I like to go. I don't sit still. I can't just do nothing! (Ahem, momma has ADHD too, if you haven't noticed) I like to have fun- the park, the zoo, the pool, crafts, and games...
Most of all, I LOVE parties & events!
But when my little monkey is having a rough day, sometimes we can't make that t-ball picnic happen. He needs a day off every 2-3 days where we don't go anywhere. On those days he plays by himself, he eats his favorite snacks, he picks what movie to watch at rest time, etc. And if he hasn't had a day off yet this week? You can bet whatever event we are at will not be fun for anyone... Momma in particular. Is it sad? Yep. Especially when it's a cousin's birthday party or a family function, but we have to do what's best for him, no matter who it upsets.
PEOPLE DON'T ALWAYS GET IT.
Even the person you would expect to understand, sometimes won't.
*When your kids are playing and you mention a behavior issue you're dealing with, they're the one that responds with "oh, that's just his age!"
*When you talk about your child's severe separation anxiety, that family member says "you know, the more you leave them the easier it gets."
*Or when you tell this mom about your kiddo's social anxiety, she says "Oh... He's not on the spectrum. I think he's just shy!"
The fact of the matter is, I might just need you to listen. I'm most likely not asking for advice from a parent who's child does NOT have special needs. You only see a part of my child's life, and you certainly do not see the struggles I face each and every day. To say those things, paints me as an over-reactor or that I am imagining these behaviors in my child! Yes, these might seem like normal "kid problems" to you, except for they are EXTREME. They are your child's fits & quirks times ten! FOR EXAMPLE...
My kid doesn't just want to pick his clothes out to be independent. He wears certain clothes bc pants without elastic send him over the edge, bc tags in his shirts make him scratch until he bleeds. I mean, at this very moment my son has had the same shirt on for 3 days bc he is so attached to it that changing said shirt would evoke a monumental meltdown, ending in him not eating the rest of the day because he's gotten so worked up that his stomach hurts! I'm not going to choose that fight. The shirt doesn't smell yet... Maybe I'll attempt it after bath tonight. ;)
(I'm also learning that mom's often say these things because their child has similar behaviors, but they are TERRIFIED that there could be something "wrong" with their child.)
HE CAN'T "JUST LEARN".
When I first discussed some of my little monkey's struggles with someone in our life, their reaction was "I realize he's not normal, but he's going to have to just learn that he can't behave like this!"
First of all, I'd like to mention that I ignored the "not normal" comment. I will save that for another day. :)
However, this person was completely unaware of what ASD & ADHD truly are. These are not things you just "get over". Trust me, I've tried my entire life to ignore ADHD. It doesn't just go away without a lot of hard work, many tools, and a huge support system! So we have begun to learn what is appropriate & what is not, but it's going to be a long road. It takes dealing with meltdowns in the same way I do with our 18 month old- patience, positive reinforcement, persistence, and did I mention patience? I understand that not everyone has the grace to do what I'm doing right now. That's why I pray for this person, because in this situation the child in their life DOES have special needs, and punishment for undesired behavior is definitely not the answer. Kids with ASD, in particular, think literally.
Hitting = hitting. They see no difference in hitting & "spanking". Yelling = yelling. They see no difference in yelling & "raising your voice".
In addition, these children are very sensitive. They might not seem to be, but they definitely are. They carry hurts & pain just like everyone else, if not more (because they have an AMAZING memory). So, we should be lovingly guiding them, rewarding positive behavior, hugging them when they will allow it, and understanding that it might be 1 step forward- 5 steps back... But it's teaching them nonetheless.
So please give us grace just as you would want... in church, in the store, at the pool, and at the zoo.
Please don't be offended if we can't make your birthday party, even if I RSVPed 2 weeks ago. If I text you at the last minute, you probably don't want us there anyway. We're still figuring things out!
Please feel free to pray for our family, and know that sometimes an offer to pray for us is usually more important than unsolicited advice, especially if you've never been down this road before.
We're learning so much, and growing closer as a family through this journey! I know God has such an amazing plan for our little monkey... just as he does for our other children. I can't wait to see how He uses this for His glory!
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