It's a BOY!

Introducing the newest member to the family...

Easton Matthew Benjamin

8lbs 8oz

21 1/2 inches

Positive thinking

Today, I am 40 weeks and 2 days. Baby is still not here & I'm attempting to patiently wait for him or her to arrive. It's not easy. I want to meet my baby!

However, since this is most likely our last baby that I will carry, I am trying to enjoy every last moment. I am relishing every kick & movement. I have done everything on my pregnant bucket list. We've taken maternity photos. We've done a belly cast. We've done henna belly art. 

I also counted how many months I've been pregnant. Our oldest is almost 9 years old. If you add 9 months on to that, I got pregnant for the first time, 114 months ago. In the past 114 months, I have been pregnant for... FIFTY FOUR MONTHS! So, I have some experience being pregnant. 

In the spirit of distraction & staying positive as I wait for our next bundle of joy, here are my TOP TEN REASONS I LOVE BEING PREGNANT...

10. People really feel obligated to open doors & carry bags for you. It's not usually because they think pregnant women are incapable, but they just feel like they should. And I'm okay with that!

Especially when I'm pushing a cart full of groceries with 5 other children hanging off every side. 

9. Late night snacks are not only acceptable, but expected. Baby needs to eat!

8. Picking baby names is super fun! I mean, unless you're 39 weeks & it makes you cry because you can't name your baby until you meet them. But I haven't ever dealt with this. ;)

7. You get a lot of use out of those 3 shirts that fit you at the end. No other items in your wardrobe will ever be as loved. 

6. The nightly show that happens across your belly when you lay down in bed. Once, Michael grabbed our daughter's elbow. Haha! She pulled it back so fast that it made me sick. Crazy!!

5. Yoga pants. Enough said. 

4. If you've had other babies, you don't notice your stretch marks... because they're stretched out! It's perfect!

3. Your fabulously luscious locks. Thank you prenatal vitamins!!

2. You're not fat. You're carrying a human life inside of you, AND much of it is going to disappear when baby is born. I mean, we're talking baby, placenta, blood, amniotic fluid... 

1. Hearing baby's heartbeat at every appointment. It doesn't matter if you've heard it before. Every time is this amazing experience where you're reminded of how FREAKING AWESOME it is that you're growing a baby INSIDE OF YOU!!!

A little red ladybug

In 2009 my life had reached a new level of craziness. We had three children age 4 & under. Michael had been promoted, then demoted, and we were still living with my parents. We didn’t really have any friends our own age. Our youngest was a handful, but that doesn’t even begin to explain him. I was overwhelmed. I was constantly looking for something to distract me from my life. I had barely come out of my Post Partum Depression. I had tried 2 different businesses to keep myself from focusing on what was really going on. I wasn’t happy. I was trying to ignore the signs that there was something going on with our son.

Well, in August, we found out that we were pregnant… again. I was really emotional over it all. I knew God would take care of us, but I didn’t know how. I felt so overwhelmed. My husband was my rock though. He said, “I knew we would be soon. It’s going to be okay!” From that point on, he encouraged me daily that God had a plan. His words were what I needed.

We saw our amazing doctor, and this pregnancy was fantastic with no complications. There was never a reason for concern. I was looking to my husband and God for all the affirmation I needed that this pregnancy was special, safe, and in God’s plan. We found out we were having a girl at my 20-week ultrasound. As we searched for names, we chose the one that represented her being placed in our life at the exact time she needed to be. My brother had gotten married in January and they found out they were expecting as well. Our babies would be just 4 months apart. There was so much joy over these two!

As I neared my due date, I had already discussed birth plans with my doctor. I told her I felt like I really wanted to avoid Pitocin. She told me that she thought I could do it without any induction or even an epidural. My labors go so fast on their own that she saw no need to force things. I wasn’t quite on board, but it felt nice to have her support me & believe in me so much. Around 34 weeks, Michael & I were talking in bed one night. In a very sweet, and supportive way, he told me that he thought I was amazing at giving birth. He asked me to consider not having an epidural, and having a natural birth… I laughed.

But the more I looked into it over the next couple days, the more I realized that I probably COULD do it. I began to barely scratch the surface of educating myself on natural birth.

So, at that 36-week appointment, I told my doctor my plans to try for a natural birth. I was pretty sure I would change my mind, but both she & Michael knew I wouldn’t need to. I also found out at that appointment that I was already 3cm dilated! WOW! I had been 1cm since about 34 weeks, so this was big news. I had never dilated on my own this quickly… but baby really shouldn’t come for another 2 weeks! So, I was told to not over-do it & just take it easy that week. 37… 38… 39 weeks rolled around. I was STILL at 3cm. There was an insane amount of pressure from her head pushing down on my cervix. I could hardly walk. So, at 39 weeks I went for my appointment and we discussed what my options were. I was doing all the natural things to induce labor, but it wasn’t helping. We decided to try inducing with the Cervadyl again, even though typically they only use that for moms who haven’t dilated at all. Now, should I have just given it a couple more days… probably. Was I being incredibly impatient & kind of a baby… absolutely. I also realized however that our first 3 children didn’t have red hair, despite Michael’s fire-red head of hair. So, I figured our chances were pretty good that this one might. We requested to be induced on St. Patrick’s Day. Whether or not she came out with red hair, it sure would be fun!

So, on March 17, only 4 days before her due date, we went to the hospital at 8am. When we walked into the room, the nurse apologized because they had a lady bug problem. Someone had cracked the window somewhere and there were ladybugs ALL OVER our room. I kind of liked them though. They gave me the Cervadyl, and it immediately began to work. By lunchtime, my contractions were building into a steady rhythm. Around 11:00 they checked me & I was about 5cm. I was certain that it wouldn’t be long after that. 2 hours later, I was still 5cm. So I had them break my water at 1:30.  I remember sitting there in that bed, laboring away, and a nurse asked me if I wanted to get up and move around to help things speed up… that was like a foreign language to me! The last 2 births, I HAD to be on my back because of an epidural, and with the first 2 I had to for 12 hours because of the Cervadyl. Get up and move around? So, I told her maybe later. Haha! Why? Don’t ask me. There I was, having a baby with no drugs, eating popsicles, and just laying there. We were watching a movie & laughing. The nurses would come in & watch with us. It was no big deal… until around 3:00.

I remember thinking “I’m going to need an epidural soon”, but I thought I would just wait like 30 more minutes. I didn’t say that to Michael, but I sure was convinced that I would be getting one. About 20 minutes later, a nurse said “I’ve been watching the monitors, I think we should check you & see what’s going on”… I was about 9 cm. They called my doctor, and not 5 minutes later I was feeling the urge to push. Everyone came rushing in, the doctor was downstairs & came right up. At 3:46 my sweet girl was born in 3 pushes. I had made it to pushing with our first having no epidural, so the laboring wasn’t unexpected. However, no one told me about “the ring of fire”. There is a moment when baby is crowning & the head is about to be born, and it honestly feels like someone lit your vagina on fire. No one warned me… so that part was unexpected. Haha! BUT I DID IT! I never had to ask for drugs or scream at my husband because it was so painful. I dug down deep and did something I NEVER would have imagined I could do.

She came out with barely a cry. She was so petite & had the sweetest personality. We swaddled her up & she cuddled up like a little bug. Within moments, her nickname was “ladybug”… Our little ladybug with bright red hair. She brought a smile to everyone’s face, and truly still does. Although now it’s that fiery, funny personality that brings a smile. She is quite a little lady.

That birth began something in me. I was a different momma from that point on. I was empowered and believed in myself as a mother. I had never nursed a baby with such ease. It got me started down a path of researching & learning that I had never been interested in before! I now knew that I could make decisions, and tell someone no, if it’s not what is best for my child or me. I had found my voice. I had found my strength. It was only the beginning…

The birth that changed my life

After our first 2 were born, things were great! We moved into a new apartment when the baby was 2 months old & settled into a great routine! The kids were so much fun! This is the point where I began to ask the question. You know… Are we done? We went on vacation that summer. Our oldest was almost 2. Baby girl would be 1 in the fall. I remember all of a sudden knowing we weren’t done. Michael & I had been praying a lot. We had been talking about it a lot. At the start of our vacation, we went to a weekend worship/prayer conference in Nashville with my family. One afternoon we just knew. We were supposed to have another baby!

By the end of October, we found out we were pregnant. I was ecstatic! This baby was God’s idea & it just felt perfect. However, I had just weaned our 1 year old & prior to that had been pregnant or nursing for 2 years with no break. My body was very tired & depleted of nutrients. So, my pregnancy wasn’t what I thought it was going to be. It wasn’t perfect like I had hoped.

Our insurance also changed, and we had to switch doctors. I was devastated. I felt like we LOVED our doctor & he had taken care of us so well… whether I knew it or not, he had not. So, by accident, we found a doctor. She was great! I didn’t ask any of the right questions, but I felt at peace about both she & her partner. Looking back, this was a perfect twist of fate. This is the woman who would go on to encourage me that I should be a birth educator or a doula. I have nothing, but the utmost respect for her!

Around late November, I began having pre-term labor symptoms. We were struggling financially and I felt like I was under SO MUCH stress. I wasn’t eating well, and certainly was not hydrated well enough. After much discussion and prayer, my parents offered to have us move in with them for a few months to catch up on things & start saving up for a house. Michael was working on a promotion at the time as well, so there was a whole lot going on! In January, we moved in with them. It was crazy & hectic, but being around my family was what I needed. Soon after moving in though, my back began to spasm on a regular basis, and I started struggling with Sciatica. It felt like one thing after another during those first 20 weeks. We found out baby was a boy though, and that all was well at our 20-week ultrasound. The kids were so excited. We began to look for yet another AWESOME E name. 

Just as my body began to settle down though, stress began to build among our family. My brother had just graduated high school & was trying to figure out what he was going to do/where he was going to go. My grandparents had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s & Dementia, so my parents were taking frequent trips to Kansas to care for them. My other brother was going through an incredibly hard time as well. Michael had been promoted, and the news came that he would be going out of town a week after my due date. His new position was very long hours and he was practically on call 24-7. The atmosphere in the home was certainly not calm, or peaceful. The other kids handled it well, but baby & I seemed to take on a lot of the stress.  It wasn’t evident, of course, until later.

By 37 weeks, we were ready to meet our little guy & considering we lived in a house with my family, we didn’t have much preparation to do. We had everything we needed! Baby was due June 19, but at 38 ½ weeks I started having consistent contractions. I had never gone into labor on my own. I brought Michael home from work, we went to the hospital, and as soon as they hooked up those monitors… everything stopped. I had start/stop contractions for the entire weekend. Finally on Monday morning I requested to be induced. I was exhausted (or so I thought- looking back I should have just sucked it up).

At 8am on June 12 we went into the hospital. Because I had been dilated to 1cm for about 2 weeks, they skipped the Cervadyl that my body responded so well to, and went straight to the Pitocin that my body didn’t really like. Well, by noon, I was having those same back-to-back contractions like last time, and was at 4cm. It was getting very intense! The nurse insisted that giving me more Pitocin would possibly help my water break… so we increased it. Now it was unbearable.

By 12:30 I was begging for the epidural! They had to break my water first though. The problem was… baby wasn’t ready for that. He still needed some time. At 1:00 my water was broken, the epidural was given, and at 2:30 I was still only 4 cm and baby’s heart rate was dropping. We tried backing off the Pit. It didn’t work. The cord was around his neck & there wasn’t enough amniotic fluid in there to loosen it and allow him to descend. Fortunately the nurses had just switched over before this & I was given the MOST amazing nurse, Cori. She called my doctor and they decided we should try Saline Amnioinfusion. Basically they were going to shoot sterile water into my uterus to help loosen the cord so baby could descend. They did this at 3:30. Apparently it worked, because by 3:50 I was fully dilated and about to push. If it hadn’t worked, they were already prepping the OR for a Cesarean. My momma was in the hall, and overheard the nursing staff talking about OR prep... she was pacing the halls & praying. I had to push a little longer with this little guy- all in all it was about 20 minutes. Our second son was born at 4:16 pm… he was mad, yelling, and telling us his story. He peed on Nurse Cori. Then, she put him on my chest, and he calmed right down.

His life was forever changed by this birth experience and so was mine. I learned how scary a birth could be when mom and baby just aren’t ready. He has anxiety and a myriad of other issues that he was pre-disposed to, due to his traumatic birth. Following this birth, I began a slow, spiraling road of Post Partum Depression, even though I didn’t know it at the time. I became a different person, very disconnected with my sweet boy. However, God had a big plan! We needed this baby. He needed us! We would learn so much from him & this birth changed the very course of my life from here on out. 

The most beautiful baby I had ever seen

In December of 2005 Michael & I got married. Our first was 4 ½ months old & we moved into our first apartment. It was great! We had our perfect little family, and after the craziness of the past year, we had no desire to add anything extra to our plates! Well, we were only beginning to know the irony of that. It seems every time we start to get comfortable, another detour gets thrown our way… but we were also starting to learn that detours from OUR plans aren’t always a bad thing if they are detours TO God’s plans.

On Valentine’s Day I had planned a special day with our little guy. Michael was working until the afternoon, then we would all three spend the evening together. I woke up early when Michael left for work. As I lay in bed I had the thought… I don’t think I’ve had a period this month… it usually was right on time.

Sure enough, I took a pregnancy test & it was positive! I wasn’t sure what to think or feel. I had never found out about a pregnancy this early! Not to mention, I had a 6 month old! So, I called Michael at work. I was too excited and nervous to wait. He was thrilled! I called our moms too. I hadn’t yet learned the art of waiting for the right moment, so my new mother in law was pretty shocked. We had a slightly tense conversation, but nothing too dramatic. Mostly, we were all really surprised, but really excited. After the last pregnancy announcement, nothing really seemed quite so crazy… even the thought of babies 14 months apart! We went to the doctor. We confirmed my pregnancy tests. We were having another baby!

It was a really uneventful pregnancy! Everything went well. I was learning to really enjoy every moment of it. Last time felt cut short since I really didn’t start to figure things out until 20 weeks. I loved my growing belly & took pictures every chance I got! Our son was growing, and we would talk to our baby every day. He would kiss my belly & drool all over it. I just remember those days with him being so sweet!

We had an ultrasound in May. It was a little early, but I had been measuring on the small side, so our doctor just wanted to be sure everything was growing ok. During the ultrasound, they told us that we were having a BOY! I didn’t think they could tell at 17 weeks… However, baby was measuring small, so they wanted to track growth at another ultrasound in 4 weeks.

I was having another boy! I began to get excited about matching boy outfits & we started looking for E names. Michael & his siblings have all M’s. My bother’s and I are all K’s. So, we wanted to continue that tradition. We figured it shouldn’t be so hard since we will probably only have 2 or 3 kids anyway… again, I would learn…

4 weeks later, we went in for our ultrasound to find out that growth was right on track! Then the technician said “I’m sorry… did you say you had found out the sex of baby? Did you say it was a boy?” We nodded. She then informed us that at 17 weeks it was really too early and that our previous ultrasound was probably showing an umbilical cord between the baby’s legs and not an actual body part… BECAUSE THIS WAS NOT A BOY! We were having a GIRL! We asked to see from every angle, just to be sure. She was 100% positive. It was a girl!

What a surprise! We promptly returned our matching boy outfits & started planning for a little girl. We had a baby shower full of pink. We chose an E name that we loved.

At my 37-week appointment, my doctor announced, “Everything pretty much looks the same as last time” and offered that we could induce in a week. However, he said it more like “we will go ahead and induce on Wednesday”. That was pretty much it! We were inducing on Wednesday. I didn’t ask questions, because I didn’t know I could. I assumed he was the boss!

On October 12, we arrived at the hospital, just like last time, at midnight. Since I was not thinning or dilating, they would start me on Cervadyl. It took them a little while to get everything set up, so we did not insert the medication until 1:30. The rule is it stays in for 12 hours while you lay on your back. Well, I slept through the first part, but at 11:30 I called the nurse in & told her to take it out… I had progressed. She told me she thought I should wait, but I couldn’t. I was in active labor & just knew it. Sure enough, I was having steady contractions & was dilated to 3cm. I was only 3 cm, but I remember them feeling so much more intense than that. They attempted putting some Pitocin in my IV to help keep things going. They were certain that since I was “only” 3 cm that this was going to be a long ordeal and I would certainly need the Pit. Well, my heart rate & baby’s shot up drastically. I was having a hard time catching my breath. So, after only 30 minutes, they shut the Pit off.

At this point, it was about 1:00. I was feeling intense pressure with each contraction. I knew I did NOT want to deal with the whole “45 minutes on the side of the bed while baby is crowning” thing again. That was hell. So, my goal was to anticipate the pain & ask for my epidural early. At 2:00 the anesthesiologist arrived. They also checked me & told me I was still only 3cm, but that I could get the epidural if I really needed it. I took it. They also broke my water.

20 minutes later, at 2:20, the nurses had switched shifts, so the new nurse wanted to check me… again. However I was pleased to hear that I was now at 4cm. I instantly had back-to-back contractions that were double and triple peaking on the monitors. There was no break! I asked someone to check me immediately.  At 2:30 she checked & I was FULLY DILATED to 10 cm. In ten minutes I had gone from 4 to 10! I didn’t have much of an urge to push, and the epidural wasn’t up very high so I had slight feeling in my legs.

The nurses scurried around. My doctor was luckily already in the building. He came in, again, looking like an astronaut. He had them turn the epidural up for some reason, although I didn’t request it. Then, as I began to push, my most horrible fear came true. I was slightly anemic having had back-to-back pregnancies and nursing full-time in between. So, I had been taking iron supplements, which made me have tummy issues. Well, our bodies were made to clear things out as baby moves down & my baby had moved fast. To be totally blunt, I hadn’t gone to the bathroom in a couple of days… Well, that was now over. The room suddenly went from counting out loud to silence. I was pooping in childbirth & officially mortified! My husband gets nervous in awkward situations and tends to blurt things out. He may have mentioned the corn we had for dinner a few nights ago… yep. He did! It was a shining moment for us both.

Despite the humiliation I felt, it was very brief. I gave 2 good pushes & heard the most beautiful, girly cry. My baby girl was here! She arrived at 2:51 p.m. All I remember thinking was “THIS is the most beautiful baby I have ever seen”. She was exactly 7 lbs. and 19 inches long. I had never seen anything so petite & perfect! She nursed well, slept well & fit right in with our family… and there has never been a baby more loved by her big brother! They don’t even remember life without each other!

I've finally found my place!

My first birth...

To say my first pregnancy was a surprise would be an understatement. I was 18 years old when we conceived. I was in my first semester of college. To give you a feel for how much of a surprise this was, you should know a little back-story.

Michael and I had been serious since we started dating in 2002. There was never a “just for fun” feel to our relationship. We just knew from the beginning! We had been friends since we were 13, so we essentially grew into adults together… and having a baby at 19 and 20 kind of speeds things along, too.

We didn’t know we were pregnant for a long time. I had missed a couple cycles, but I assumed it was related to stress, considering I was in the middle of finals at a school I hated. I didn’t hate it for any other reason other than it wasn’t where I was supposed to be. I had tons of friends from high school that went there. My best friend was my roommate. Our suite mates were girls from our high school class as well. I was surrounded by familiar things, but couldn’t ever feel comfortable. I always was out of place! So, of course, I threw myself into my relationship with Michael. He was the only part of my life that felt like the right thing!

I decided to switch schools at semester & move 4 hours away. I moved to Springfield, MO and began attending a Bible College. This was the school I had wanted to go to originally, but was so afraid to move away that I stayed near home. At this point I didn’t even know I was about 12 weeks pregnant. I started classes, made amazing new friends, and joined the cheerleading squad. I was in my place!

During a cheer practice, I landed funny doing a jump. I had gained about 10 pounds, so I assumed that was it. Haha! Clearly, I had no clue what was going on! I had, however, pulled some sort of muscle. My mom was really concerned though between the knee injury and my missing periods. I would be coming home the weekend of my birthday so we made a couple appointments over those days.

I started out my 19^th birthday with an MRI for my knee. It was all clear! Then, we went out for lunch at Applebee’s. I remember feeling strange. I didn’t quite know what to expect at my next appointment. First of all, I thought I had some sort of cancer or something life-threatening going on. Second, I had never had a well-woman visit. I hadn’t had a need to! I wasn’t sexually active! Yep… that’s right. The reason this was such a surprise was because we had never had sex. So, imagine my shock when the doctor says, “I thought you said you weren’t sexually active? You’re pregnant!” We talked about the possibilities… but I assured her that I had never had sex!!! So, I left with my sweet doctor feeling like I must be lying & I was in so much shock that I don’t think I even blinked until I saw my mom in the waiting room. She knew something was going on.

We got into the hallway & I burst into tears! How could this happen? What were we going to do? I got into my parents van, where my dad had now picked up my little brothers from school, and just sat, silently, with a bag FULL of prenatal vitamins. I was 16 weeks pregnant!

We got home & sent my brothers downstairs to play video games. They knew something was going on! I told my dad. My parents & I cried on the couch for probably an hour. It wasn’t sadness for the pregnancy. It was sadness for our plans and expectations. Everything would change now! After that, I fell asleep for about 4 hours. When I woke up, my parents had told my brothers and they were both just so happy that I wasn’t dying! Those were their exact words actually… “We can handle this! We can’t handle you having cancer or something worse!”

That evening, my doctor called my mom. She wanted to check on me. She also wanted to let us know that she had done a little digging, and found out that it was not impossible and she truly believed I was not lying to her. Fertile mucous is powerful stuff & any sperm gets remotely nearby, even pre-ejaculate, it can pass through things like thin clothing. It’s like a magnet to dark, moist environments, so if I was ovulating & anything passed through… it could absolutely travel to the right places & make a baby! Her husband even told her about his best friend in college & how the exact same thing happened to he & his girlfriend! My mom needed to have that conversation as I slept off the trauma of the day in the other room.

When Michael got off work that night, I met him in the parking lot of White Castle. Funny story… that’s where we randomly had our first kiss. Haha! This parking lot was a special place apparently! After I told him, we just hugged each other for probably 30 minutes. You know the line on “The Princess Bride” when they finally kiss at the end? “Since the invention of the kiss, there have only been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure… this one left them all behind.”

That night, it was that hug. Never has there been a more pure, more meaningful hug. It left them all behind! He told me it was going to be okay, and the rest is history!

There were a lot of hard things we had to walk through. I got kicked out of Bible College, obviously. They don’t take unmarried, pregnant girls. My parents are pastors and they had to tell the congregation. Ironically the church split about 6-9 months later, and I’m pretty sure the news of our pregnancy is what started things. I’m not saying that was ALL of it, but people start getting weird when the pastor’s daughter & boyfriend (who also attends the church) find out they’re pregnant, claim to have never had sex, and then don’t want to get married. We didn’t need to get married to prove anything! We were committed to each other. We had been for almost 4 years! Plus, who wants to get married when she’s 6 months pregnant?! We did get engaged though about 3 months before my due date.

We also had a slight issue with insurance & finding a new doctor. My Gynecologist was a nurse practitioner, so she could not do Obstetrics. We had to take whoever who see me, due to my entire first trimester having no prenatal care. Doctors don’t like to take that risk. After weeks of making calls, we found a doctor who would take me on as a patient! I knew nothing about him. I didn’t even know what to ask if I had an option! I saw him at 18 weeks, had my first ultrasound 2 weeks later (a boy!), and by 20 weeks had 2 different due dates: last period and ultrasound. I was already confused!

The rest of my pregnancy was a scramble. I was constantly confused by the information my doctor was giving me. We were registering, having baby showers, figuring out what would be next, and trying to do what we were told by EVERYONE. We took a 4-week childbirth class at the hospital. It made me more confused and terrified. I was getting closer, and feeling more scared by the second!

I started having contractions at around 34 weeks. We now know that this is what my body does, but when it’s your first everything is an emergency… well, at least with this doctor it was. I wasn’t supposed to do anything strenuous. This meant I was doing a lot of sitting. This meant I started to have a lot of swelling (it was also the hottest summer EVER to be pregnant in). Then they all started watching me like a hawk…

We were all expecting baby to come early, but then 38… 39… 40 weeks rolled around & nothing. Cervix wasn’t thinning. Zero dilation. My doctor, who was expecting me to deliver nice & early, was going out of town when I would be 42 weeks. So, at 41 weeks I agreed to an induction. Again, I was completely confused. He gave me no expectations. He didn’t tell me “here’s what the plan is”. He just said, “We are going to induce you on Monday. Get there at midnight.”

So, bags were packed, grandparents were called, and we showed up at midnight on August 8, 2005. They hooked me up to monitors & an IV. The nurses informed me of how I would be induced… it was called Cervadyl. They would insert this little tampon-like thing in me to ripen my cervix & it had to stay in for 12 hours. I had to lie on my back for 12 hours! I couldn’t eat anything either. Talk about fun…

It was a long night. I was uncomfortable. There were nurses constantly coming in to check on me. My mom & grandma were sleeping on the pull-out couch in the hospital room. Michael was sleeping on the floor next to me (have I mentioned how amazing he is?). We took the Cervadyl out around 1pm that afternoon. I was definitely having decent contractions & when they checked me I was only at 1 cm. About three hours later, things were getting intense… 3 cm. Really? My nurse informed us that I would most likely go about 1 cm an hour, if not longer. She encouraged my grandma to go back home. So, she left!

I was feeling a lot of pressure at this point. At about 4cm, I all of a sudden heard a pop… in fact, Michael was sitting next to me & HE heard a pop! Then I announced, in a truly first-time mom way… “Something just popped & it’s really warm”! Haha! My water had broken! After about an hour, my contractions were getting really strong, and double peaking at this point. The “lovely” nurse informed me yet again: “Oh honey, some women are still at home vacuuming at 4cm… you still have quite a while.” She reluctantly checked me & I was 6cm dilated! She insisted that I had AT LEAST 4 more hours. After all, it was about 5:45 & her shift was up at 6:00. 

Michael’s mom came to check on us around 6. My sweet fiancé knew I didn’t really want anyone hanging around watching me labor. So he took her downstairs to get some dinner. Just minutes after they left, things shifted again. I remember thinking “Why did he have to eat!”

My mom went to get my new nurse, who had just been informed that I had quite a while. My body was pushing! This was not the 6 cm they thought I was at! She came in & checked again… TEN CENTIMENTERS! Baby was coming!

They scrambled to call the doctor & prep the room. My mom was calling Michael to get him back up there! My doctor informed them that I would NEED an epidural and that he couldn’t get there for at least 45 minutes, so they should try to hold me off. REALLY? HOLD ME OFF? Well, in my 19 year old brain, I didn’t have another option. After all, I knew nothing, was terrified & didn’t know I could say NO! So, as the chaos is going on around me, I’m leaning over onto a pillow into the chest of a woman I didn’t even know. She was the sweetest nurse! She was stroking my hair as Michael was rubbing my hand. My body is pushing & baby is crowning. I am trying to sit still as an anesthesiologist puts an enormous needle in my back… don’t mind the fact that I had labored the entire time without it… for some reason I NEEEEEDED that epidural. Just as I began to feel it working, my doctor arrived in what looked like a space suit. He had on full scrubs, goggles, and an apron. Why did he need to be covered so much? What was about to happen to me? They laid me back, put my feet in the stirrups & told me to push. I could still feel my legs, but the waist to my thighs was mostly numb. I pushed my sweet boy out in 3 pushes, but my doctor still used the vacuum on the last push & cut an enormous episiotomy “just in case”. Again, don’t ask me why! I was just under the impression that he was doing what was best for baby & I… but now I know why he needed all that stuff on. He was planning on getting messy!

I didn’t know though! And for a few brief moments, I didn’t care. That baby came out, screaming and crying, but as soon as they put him on my stomach… it’s like someone flipped a switch. He was quickly whisked away to the warmer right next to me, and Michael got to see him. As soon as he said, “Hey- it’s ok”, our baby boy immediately searched for his face & stopped crying. He grabbed his daddy’s finger. Then once he was cleaned up, they brought him back over to me. I had never even liked babies before! I liked this one. He was mine!

When I think about that moment, I am so grateful. The situation surrounding our pregnancy could have been disastrous. We could have freaked out. I can’t even tell you how many people asked if I would get an abortion. My doctor even said in the office when we found out “It’s too late for an abortion around here, but if you want information I can get it for you.” In a situation like that, I’m sure it could have crossed my mind, but it didn’t. I had a life in me. As scared as I was, I knew it was right. I knew God would be with us. I knew we would be fine! All those feelings I had had before of not feeling like I was in the right place… it didn’t matter. I was now in the right place. Michael & our baby were my right place!

As I wait...

We are doing lots of waiting around our house right now... I am officially 40 weeks with Baby #6. I have had on/off contractions for weeks now, which is pretty typical for me. They've been a little more intense than usual. So it's definitely thrown us for a loop a couple of times.

However, I was mentally expecting baby to come at 39 weeks. I cannot tell you why. I just had this feeling. Well, obviously it was just wishful thinking. Haha! BUT my house has been ready to birth for 2 weeks now. My children have been ready for their new sibling. I have had every single random project completed.

As I have been just enjoying the Fab 5, resting, and waiting for baby, I have done lots of reflecting on my past 5 births. They have all been so different. It's hard to think this one can be different as well. It's such a walk of faith to be pregnant, but throwing in not knowing baby's sex has taken it to a whole new level. Every day that I neared our due date felt like I needed another dose of grace to make it through the day without a melt down. That's not saying there haven't been meltdowns though. Haha! About a week ago, we were talking about baby names and I completely lost it. I don't feel like I can name this baby until I meet him/her. I just couldn't have the conversation any longer. So, I told my husband I needed to go drive somewhere. I got in our van, burst into tears, drove to the nearest McDonalds & ordered french fries. I don't think I had eaten McDonalds fries in probably a year and a half. I just needed to distract myself from the fact that I can't name my baby, because I haven't seen my baby, because my baby isn't here yet.

This weekend marked 40 weeks for me though, and I sat down to write. I haven't written anything in almost 6 months. It's partly just because I've been busy, but mostly I didn't even realize so much time had gone by. The days and weeks of this pregnancy have flown by! I don't want to forget a single moment of any of it! But I had to start at the beginning.

You all have read our last birth journey. I haven't shared the others though, and when I sat down to write over the weekend I realized that I needed to. I needed to get those words out!

I'm not sure if I have the complete courage to share all 4. Some are very real and raw. They bring out feelings in me that I don't like to remember I have. So, we'll see... But I'd like to share with you at least part of my journey. I hope it inspires & encourages you. I hope it allows you to remember your own journeys. And I pray you can see the amazing hand that God has had in orchestrating our lives. I would have NEVER dreamed I would be where I am today. It was not in my wildest dreams.