V is for VICTORY!

I have had two really good weeks. I wasn't sure if they would ever come, but they have and it's been wonderful. I've been really struggling with Postpartum Anxiety and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder since Easton was born & there were days when I thought I would never get better.

Here's how it went down... During my birth, I had a prolonged second stage. As I was pushing, we discovered a lip of my cervix that had not dilated. I had to try not to push while my midwife manually stratched that part of my cervix. Yes, it hurt. Well, if you've read my first birth story, you know that I was told to stop pushing with that birth as well. It wasn't a pleasant experience. In fact, if I close my eyes, I can see it all in my head. I can almost relive it right now. It was traumatic. So you can imagine what went down when those same feelings were triggered during this last birth.

The day after Easton was born, I spiked a fever from a bacterial infection and was in the ER. Anytime you have a fever less than 48 hours postpartum, there are lots of red flags. It could be just a virus... or it could be something very serious. So, obviously we were verifying that it was nothing serious. However, I had a perception of danger and a serious fear that I was going to die and never see my babies again. That is the down side of being a birth educator in situations like this. I know all the possible outcomes.

Then, because I was sick, in the hospital for a day and had experienced a very intense birth, I wasn't able to spend the time with him immediately after like I had wanted. We didn't bond like we should have. He had a tongue tie. I was on antibiotics. I was dehydrated. My milk didn't come in. It was a recipe for a disaster.

So, that's what caused it. Throw in a few other difficult situations and a challenging breastfeeding experience & that's been my life for almost 5 months.

The amount of time I've spent praying, reflecting, writing, venting & caring for myself has been crazy. I think that if everyone had to go through a Postpartum experience like this, we'd be a very wise, deep, in-touch culture. Haha! I've never learned so much about myself while feeling so much UNLIKE myself all at the same time.

I mentioned recently that I've had a lot of critics lately and I think so much of that was because no one has ever seen me go through anything like this. I've never been through so much AT ONE TIME before. And going through it all while battling a mental/emotional disorder is something else entirely.

There were weeks when I wouldn't sleep. I would be up all night, reliving Easton's birth... reliving his first days. I've gone through every possible scenario, and I know how each little decision could have changed the course of events. I can't change any of them though. It's too late.

I settled on that fact recently. I can't change any of this. Bad stuff happened. Hard stuff happened. But I am focusing on the good outcomes... like my precious Easton. He's going to be 6 months old tomorrow and he is precious. He's crawling, pulling up, trying to wave and talk... of course, the baby who I feel like I missed so much with is doing everything so fast. Haha!

I'm focusing on my baby, I'm taking care of myself, and I dove headfirst into my work more than ever before. I began to channel all of my disappointment and anxiety into serving and educating other mommas. I keep my Essential Oils going and I just keep pouring into these moms because the only reason right now that I can see for me having to walk through this stuff, is so that I can help more moms.

So this week I had several good days. I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I felt like myself more days than not. It's going to be fine. I can't wait to get to the other side of all this, look back and say "I MADE IT!"But for now, a couple good days in a row is a good enough victory for me. And as my 6 year old says... "V is for VICTORY!"