It's ok to be angry

This week I had a funeral to attend. My Aunt died suddenly the week of Thanksgiving & the funeral was in Nebraska. Thanks to the ONE & ONLY benefit of having a strictly bottle-fed baby, I was able to go without my little guy. I took the pump & tried to keep up. I couldn't though!

When I got home & tried to get back on my pumping schedule, it was nearly impossible. My typical low supply is now half of what it was. 

For almost 6 months I dealt with feelings about this postpartum. I cried every day. I had extreme anxiety that I would get somewhere without all the things I needed (diapers, bottles, enough milk, pump, the baby, another child, etc...). I had an insane amount of FEAR that I would fail. At everything. Because I felt like I had failed as a mother. But I was never angry for long!

I have this understanding about anger that it's a useless emotion. I used to feel that way about crying, but got over that during my 6th pregnancy. Haha!

So, all of these emotions had calmed down. Then after I got home this week & was attempting to pump, only getting ONE OUNCE, at 1:00am, I had just had enough. I took those pump shields and chucked them across the room. They were basically useless. I felt basically useless. 

I thought, "Here I am, with a hungry baby & all have to give him is milk from another mom. ONE donor is all I have left. Everyone else is nursing their own babies. And here I am with two boobs that don't work!"

I just sat there, while my husband fed him a bottle, crying. I was also ranting about my broken boobs. He just listened. And then he put his hand on my knee & said five words. Five words that no one had said. In 7 months of broken boobs, tracking down donor milk, anxiety, depression, Failure To Thrive, pumping constantly, and feeling like a complete failure as a mother... no one had said these five words. He said, "It's okay to be angry!"

It's okay!

Everyone, with the best intentions & sweetest hearts, had tried to fix it. All the moms had a miracle cure for low supply, or a suggestion for where to find donor milk (I had already tried everywhere). The church ladies all wanted to cure my depression & pray for me. Friends without kids or who had never breastfed didn't understand why I cared so much! And until I let it be okay to be angry, I didn't understand either. I figured it was just because I had done it five other times and it was the crunchy thing to do!

But when I started my rant, it came out.

Breastfeeding is the first thing I was good at as a mom. I have mentioned before that I never really wanted kids. So, I had my traumatic first birth & then didn't really know what to expect! 

My sweet baby boy came out and then was laid on my tummy as I was stitched up. He looked gross to me, as a 19 year old. Haha! So, I waited until they cleaned him. As soon as this bundle was given to me, we locked eyes for the first time. He had the brightest, most perfect eyes. And they didn't look at anyone else but me! Within moments he was rooting. The nurse said "you can try to breastfeed if you want! I can help you!" She turned around to set something down & before she could get back to me, I had him latched. I can't explain it... I just KNEW HOW. We had lots of difficulties breastfeeding through lip ties & oversupply, but I kept going. With each baby, I breastfed longer. Efton was 9 months. Eliza was 11. Elias was 12. Ester was 15. Ezrah was 30 months! He was exactly 2 1/2 & I had to stop nursing him when I got a bacterial infection on my nipples after Easton was born. 

The point is I WAS GOOD AT IT! I was proud of it! It was something I overcame already & I was certain I could again... until I realized that there was nothing I could do. There was nothing I could change. 

I have accepted the circumstances and I've accepted the anger that comes with it. It's not directed at any person. It's just anger! 

So I'm going to let myself be mad. I'm mad at the stupid infection that signaled a temporary shut off of my pituitary. I'm mad at the stupid ER visit. I'm mad at the stupid pump shields that have gotten more action than my own husband in the past 7 months. 

And when I'm not angry, I'm going to be grateful. Grateful for the precious mommas who have pumped for us, even if just a single bag of breastmilk. I'm grateful for our amazing doctors who helped me fight for what little supply I have. And I'm grateful for my precious baby boy who brings me such joy. I cannot be angry when I hold him. I just can't.