I've finally found my place!

My first birth...

To say my first pregnancy was a surprise would be an understatement. I was 18 years old when we conceived. I was in my first semester of college. To give you a feel for how much of a surprise this was, you should know a little back-story.

Michael and I had been serious since we started dating in 2002. There was never a “just for fun” feel to our relationship. We just knew from the beginning! We had been friends since we were 13, so we essentially grew into adults together… and having a baby at 19 and 20 kind of speeds things along, too.

We didn’t know we were pregnant for a long time. I had missed a couple cycles, but I assumed it was related to stress, considering I was in the middle of finals at a school I hated. I didn’t hate it for any other reason other than it wasn’t where I was supposed to be. I had tons of friends from high school that went there. My best friend was my roommate. Our suite mates were girls from our high school class as well. I was surrounded by familiar things, but couldn’t ever feel comfortable. I always was out of place! So, of course, I threw myself into my relationship with Michael. He was the only part of my life that felt like the right thing!

I decided to switch schools at semester & move 4 hours away. I moved to Springfield, MO and began attending a Bible College. This was the school I had wanted to go to originally, but was so afraid to move away that I stayed near home. At this point I didn’t even know I was about 12 weeks pregnant. I started classes, made amazing new friends, and joined the cheerleading squad. I was in my place!

During a cheer practice, I landed funny doing a jump. I had gained about 10 pounds, so I assumed that was it. Haha! Clearly, I had no clue what was going on! I had, however, pulled some sort of muscle. My mom was really concerned though between the knee injury and my missing periods. I would be coming home the weekend of my birthday so we made a couple appointments over those days.

I started out my 19^th birthday with an MRI for my knee. It was all clear! Then, we went out for lunch at Applebee’s. I remember feeling strange. I didn’t quite know what to expect at my next appointment. First of all, I thought I had some sort of cancer or something life-threatening going on. Second, I had never had a well-woman visit. I hadn’t had a need to! I wasn’t sexually active! Yep… that’s right. The reason this was such a surprise was because we had never had sex. So, imagine my shock when the doctor says, “I thought you said you weren’t sexually active? You’re pregnant!” We talked about the possibilities… but I assured her that I had never had sex!!! So, I left with my sweet doctor feeling like I must be lying & I was in so much shock that I don’t think I even blinked until I saw my mom in the waiting room. She knew something was going on.

We got into the hallway & I burst into tears! How could this happen? What were we going to do? I got into my parents van, where my dad had now picked up my little brothers from school, and just sat, silently, with a bag FULL of prenatal vitamins. I was 16 weeks pregnant!

We got home & sent my brothers downstairs to play video games. They knew something was going on! I told my dad. My parents & I cried on the couch for probably an hour. It wasn’t sadness for the pregnancy. It was sadness for our plans and expectations. Everything would change now! After that, I fell asleep for about 4 hours. When I woke up, my parents had told my brothers and they were both just so happy that I wasn’t dying! Those were their exact words actually… “We can handle this! We can’t handle you having cancer or something worse!”

That evening, my doctor called my mom. She wanted to check on me. She also wanted to let us know that she had done a little digging, and found out that it was not impossible and she truly believed I was not lying to her. Fertile mucous is powerful stuff & any sperm gets remotely nearby, even pre-ejaculate, it can pass through things like thin clothing. It’s like a magnet to dark, moist environments, so if I was ovulating & anything passed through… it could absolutely travel to the right places & make a baby! Her husband even told her about his best friend in college & how the exact same thing happened to he & his girlfriend! My mom needed to have that conversation as I slept off the trauma of the day in the other room.

When Michael got off work that night, I met him in the parking lot of White Castle. Funny story… that’s where we randomly had our first kiss. Haha! This parking lot was a special place apparently! After I told him, we just hugged each other for probably 30 minutes. You know the line on “The Princess Bride” when they finally kiss at the end? “Since the invention of the kiss, there have only been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure… this one left them all behind.”

That night, it was that hug. Never has there been a more pure, more meaningful hug. It left them all behind! He told me it was going to be okay, and the rest is history!

There were a lot of hard things we had to walk through. I got kicked out of Bible College, obviously. They don’t take unmarried, pregnant girls. My parents are pastors and they had to tell the congregation. Ironically the church split about 6-9 months later, and I’m pretty sure the news of our pregnancy is what started things. I’m not saying that was ALL of it, but people start getting weird when the pastor’s daughter & boyfriend (who also attends the church) find out they’re pregnant, claim to have never had sex, and then don’t want to get married. We didn’t need to get married to prove anything! We were committed to each other. We had been for almost 4 years! Plus, who wants to get married when she’s 6 months pregnant?! We did get engaged though about 3 months before my due date.

We also had a slight issue with insurance & finding a new doctor. My Gynecologist was a nurse practitioner, so she could not do Obstetrics. We had to take whoever who see me, due to my entire first trimester having no prenatal care. Doctors don’t like to take that risk. After weeks of making calls, we found a doctor who would take me on as a patient! I knew nothing about him. I didn’t even know what to ask if I had an option! I saw him at 18 weeks, had my first ultrasound 2 weeks later (a boy!), and by 20 weeks had 2 different due dates: last period and ultrasound. I was already confused!

The rest of my pregnancy was a scramble. I was constantly confused by the information my doctor was giving me. We were registering, having baby showers, figuring out what would be next, and trying to do what we were told by EVERYONE. We took a 4-week childbirth class at the hospital. It made me more confused and terrified. I was getting closer, and feeling more scared by the second!

I started having contractions at around 34 weeks. We now know that this is what my body does, but when it’s your first everything is an emergency… well, at least with this doctor it was. I wasn’t supposed to do anything strenuous. This meant I was doing a lot of sitting. This meant I started to have a lot of swelling (it was also the hottest summer EVER to be pregnant in). Then they all started watching me like a hawk…

We were all expecting baby to come early, but then 38… 39… 40 weeks rolled around & nothing. Cervix wasn’t thinning. Zero dilation. My doctor, who was expecting me to deliver nice & early, was going out of town when I would be 42 weeks. So, at 41 weeks I agreed to an induction. Again, I was completely confused. He gave me no expectations. He didn’t tell me “here’s what the plan is”. He just said, “We are going to induce you on Monday. Get there at midnight.”

So, bags were packed, grandparents were called, and we showed up at midnight on August 8, 2005. They hooked me up to monitors & an IV. The nurses informed me of how I would be induced… it was called Cervadyl. They would insert this little tampon-like thing in me to ripen my cervix & it had to stay in for 12 hours. I had to lie on my back for 12 hours! I couldn’t eat anything either. Talk about fun…

It was a long night. I was uncomfortable. There were nurses constantly coming in to check on me. My mom & grandma were sleeping on the pull-out couch in the hospital room. Michael was sleeping on the floor next to me (have I mentioned how amazing he is?). We took the Cervadyl out around 1pm that afternoon. I was definitely having decent contractions & when they checked me I was only at 1 cm. About three hours later, things were getting intense… 3 cm. Really? My nurse informed us that I would most likely go about 1 cm an hour, if not longer. She encouraged my grandma to go back home. So, she left!

I was feeling a lot of pressure at this point. At about 4cm, I all of a sudden heard a pop… in fact, Michael was sitting next to me & HE heard a pop! Then I announced, in a truly first-time mom way… “Something just popped & it’s really warm”! Haha! My water had broken! After about an hour, my contractions were getting really strong, and double peaking at this point. The “lovely” nurse informed me yet again: “Oh honey, some women are still at home vacuuming at 4cm… you still have quite a while.” She reluctantly checked me & I was 6cm dilated! She insisted that I had AT LEAST 4 more hours. After all, it was about 5:45 & her shift was up at 6:00. 

Michael’s mom came to check on us around 6. My sweet fiancé knew I didn’t really want anyone hanging around watching me labor. So he took her downstairs to get some dinner. Just minutes after they left, things shifted again. I remember thinking “Why did he have to eat!”

My mom went to get my new nurse, who had just been informed that I had quite a while. My body was pushing! This was not the 6 cm they thought I was at! She came in & checked again… TEN CENTIMENTERS! Baby was coming!

They scrambled to call the doctor & prep the room. My mom was calling Michael to get him back up there! My doctor informed them that I would NEED an epidural and that he couldn’t get there for at least 45 minutes, so they should try to hold me off. REALLY? HOLD ME OFF? Well, in my 19 year old brain, I didn’t have another option. After all, I knew nothing, was terrified & didn’t know I could say NO! So, as the chaos is going on around me, I’m leaning over onto a pillow into the chest of a woman I didn’t even know. She was the sweetest nurse! She was stroking my hair as Michael was rubbing my hand. My body is pushing & baby is crowning. I am trying to sit still as an anesthesiologist puts an enormous needle in my back… don’t mind the fact that I had labored the entire time without it… for some reason I NEEEEEDED that epidural. Just as I began to feel it working, my doctor arrived in what looked like a space suit. He had on full scrubs, goggles, and an apron. Why did he need to be covered so much? What was about to happen to me? They laid me back, put my feet in the stirrups & told me to push. I could still feel my legs, but the waist to my thighs was mostly numb. I pushed my sweet boy out in 3 pushes, but my doctor still used the vacuum on the last push & cut an enormous episiotomy “just in case”. Again, don’t ask me why! I was just under the impression that he was doing what was best for baby & I… but now I know why he needed all that stuff on. He was planning on getting messy!

I didn’t know though! And for a few brief moments, I didn’t care. That baby came out, screaming and crying, but as soon as they put him on my stomach… it’s like someone flipped a switch. He was quickly whisked away to the warmer right next to me, and Michael got to see him. As soon as he said, “Hey- it’s ok”, our baby boy immediately searched for his face & stopped crying. He grabbed his daddy’s finger. Then once he was cleaned up, they brought him back over to me. I had never even liked babies before! I liked this one. He was mine!

When I think about that moment, I am so grateful. The situation surrounding our pregnancy could have been disastrous. We could have freaked out. I can’t even tell you how many people asked if I would get an abortion. My doctor even said in the office when we found out “It’s too late for an abortion around here, but if you want information I can get it for you.” In a situation like that, I’m sure it could have crossed my mind, but it didn’t. I had a life in me. As scared as I was, I knew it was right. I knew God would be with us. I knew we would be fine! All those feelings I had had before of not feeling like I was in the right place… it didn’t matter. I was now in the right place. Michael & our baby were my right place!