Positive thinking

Today, I am 40 weeks and 2 days. Baby is still not here & I'm attempting to patiently wait for him or her to arrive. It's not easy. I want to meet my baby!

However, since this is most likely our last baby that I will carry, I am trying to enjoy every last moment. I am relishing every kick & movement. I have done everything on my pregnant bucket list. We've taken maternity photos. We've done a belly cast. We've done henna belly art. 

I also counted how many months I've been pregnant. Our oldest is almost 9 years old. If you add 9 months on to that, I got pregnant for the first time, 114 months ago. In the past 114 months, I have been pregnant for... FIFTY FOUR MONTHS! So, I have some experience being pregnant. 

In the spirit of distraction & staying positive as I wait for our next bundle of joy, here are my TOP TEN REASONS I LOVE BEING PREGNANT...

10. People really feel obligated to open doors & carry bags for you. It's not usually because they think pregnant women are incapable, but they just feel like they should. And I'm okay with that!

Especially when I'm pushing a cart full of groceries with 5 other children hanging off every side. 

9. Late night snacks are not only acceptable, but expected. Baby needs to eat!

8. Picking baby names is super fun! I mean, unless you're 39 weeks & it makes you cry because you can't name your baby until you meet them. But I haven't ever dealt with this. ;)

7. You get a lot of use out of those 3 shirts that fit you at the end. No other items in your wardrobe will ever be as loved. 

6. The nightly show that happens across your belly when you lay down in bed. Once, Michael grabbed our daughter's elbow. Haha! She pulled it back so fast that it made me sick. Crazy!!

5. Yoga pants. Enough said. 

4. If you've had other babies, you don't notice your stretch marks... because they're stretched out! It's perfect!

3. Your fabulously luscious locks. Thank you prenatal vitamins!!

2. You're not fat. You're carrying a human life inside of you, AND much of it is going to disappear when baby is born. I mean, we're talking baby, placenta, blood, amniotic fluid... 

1. Hearing baby's heartbeat at every appointment. It doesn't matter if you've heard it before. Every time is this amazing experience where you're reminded of how FREAKING AWESOME it is that you're growing a baby INSIDE OF YOU!!!

As I wait...

We are doing lots of waiting around our house right now... I am officially 40 weeks with Baby #6. I have had on/off contractions for weeks now, which is pretty typical for me. They've been a little more intense than usual. So it's definitely thrown us for a loop a couple of times.

However, I was mentally expecting baby to come at 39 weeks. I cannot tell you why. I just had this feeling. Well, obviously it was just wishful thinking. Haha! BUT my house has been ready to birth for 2 weeks now. My children have been ready for their new sibling. I have had every single random project completed.

As I have been just enjoying the Fab 5, resting, and waiting for baby, I have done lots of reflecting on my past 5 births. They have all been so different. It's hard to think this one can be different as well. It's such a walk of faith to be pregnant, but throwing in not knowing baby's sex has taken it to a whole new level. Every day that I neared our due date felt like I needed another dose of grace to make it through the day without a melt down. That's not saying there haven't been meltdowns though. Haha! About a week ago, we were talking about baby names and I completely lost it. I don't feel like I can name this baby until I meet him/her. I just couldn't have the conversation any longer. So, I told my husband I needed to go drive somewhere. I got in our van, burst into tears, drove to the nearest McDonalds & ordered french fries. I don't think I had eaten McDonalds fries in probably a year and a half. I just needed to distract myself from the fact that I can't name my baby, because I haven't seen my baby, because my baby isn't here yet.

This weekend marked 40 weeks for me though, and I sat down to write. I haven't written anything in almost 6 months. It's partly just because I've been busy, but mostly I didn't even realize so much time had gone by. The days and weeks of this pregnancy have flown by! I don't want to forget a single moment of any of it! But I had to start at the beginning.

You all have read our last birth journey. I haven't shared the others though, and when I sat down to write over the weekend I realized that I needed to. I needed to get those words out!

I'm not sure if I have the complete courage to share all 4. Some are very real and raw. They bring out feelings in me that I don't like to remember I have. So, we'll see... But I'd like to share with you at least part of my journey. I hope it inspires & encourages you. I hope it allows you to remember your own journeys. And I pray you can see the amazing hand that God has had in orchestrating our lives. I would have NEVER dreamed I would be where I am today. It was not in my wildest dreams.

10 Things You Might Hate About Me...

Well, you might not hate these things, but it was a catchy title...

A few weeks ago I accidentally "liked" someone's status on Facebook. It was an accident because I didn't realize it was one of those things where they give you a number & you share embarrassing facts about you with the world! This precious person gave me a TEN!

I never posted it on Facebook. I started trying to think of 10 things I could come up with, but everything sounded stupid to me. Then, I got embarrassed. I am a pretty open book. I usually wear my heart & emotions on my sleeve... or in my status bar. I couldn't share some of these things that I'd never even shared with my best friends. 

But then it hit me. 

There are parts of my life that I keep hidden because I don't want to deal with them. I share them with my husband, and that's about it! It's how I stay in control. It's how I don't become a mess in front of the whole world!

But if this pregnancy has taught me anything lately, it's that my feelings & internal stress are causing my BODY to react. So, even if my external self is in control, my muscles & immune system are usually going to take a hit. 

When we had a family member speak rudely about our being pregnant, for the first time ever I told them how I REALLY felt. I wasn't unkind or ugly, but I was truthful & blunt. I've never done that before. It was amazing! I went to my chiropractor the next day & her comment was, "well whatever it was that came over you, it needed to come out!" My muscles were calm. My spine was in alignment. That's never happened. 

I started this new thing this pregnancy where I'm really conscious about speaking my mind. Not in a rude way. I try not to cross a line & stir things up that don't need to be, however I don't bottle things up. Even if I just vent to my husband & we decide it's best that I don't share that with that person, it's better than just tucking that hurt, pain & unnecessary stress away for the next 10 years!

I have also learned that some parts of who I am are important, even if they're uncomfortable. They've made me into the person I am. So, I'm taking baby steps today. I'm sharing with my readers the 10 things I was too much of a baby to share on Facebook. The 10 things that probably aren't a big deal, but I've been dwelling on for the past few weeks. I can't wait to get them out!

10 things:

1. I didn't like babies before I had them. I figured I should. So my motto was "I want 1, I'll take 2 but only if they're twins so I can get em out in one shot". For real! Now, I teach childbirth education classes & am pregnant w my 6th child. Never underestimate the power of giving birth. It changed my life!

2. I knew I was going to marry Michael when I was 13. I felt like God had showed me, wrote it in my journal, but thought I was crazy for even thinking it! We started dating when I was 16 & got married when I was 19. He was my only boyfriend. I've never kissed anyone else. We are seriously soul mates!

3. I found out I was 16 weeks pregnant with Efton on my 19th birthday. It was traumatic to say the least. Birthdays have ALWAYS been a big deal to me, but even more now! That's why I celebrate big & surround myself with people I love. I need it on that day!

4. Masks terrify me. In particular burglar masks- like the ones that look like panty hose or ski masks. 

5. I'm an extrovert, but only in comfortable places. I hate parties where I know no one, new places, and I really didn't like college for that reason. BUT put me in my element & I come alive. I'm the life of the party! 

6. My favorite colors are & have been since 1st grade (in this particular order ): pink, teal, lime green, orange, purple. I do not like red. At all. Except for the Cardinals... ;)

7. Gum chomping drives me CRAZY! Someone in our wedding had gum in their mouth & it makes me mad to this very day! I skip their part coming down the aisle every year when we watch our wedding DVD. 

8. I peed my pants in the outfield during a softball game. My coach was a terrible, mean woman who said if I had to go that was too bad. I was 9 & REALLY had to go! At a certain point there was no more holding it. I immediately left the field & never played softball again. LOL!

 9. I have a really gross ability to belch. Like, manly belching.

10. I discovered about a year ago that I have a math "dyslexia" called Dyscalculia. While it was a really difficult thing to finally realize, it explained so much of the frustration I've had my whole life in school, problem solving situations, time concepts, our finances... So even though it was hard & I don't usually tell people about it (until now, lol), it was such a relief to know what was going on all this time! 

Whew! That feels better! 

Anyone else need to get something off their chest? Haha! Feel free...

At The End Of The Day

If you've read my recent post, you know I'm about 9 1/2 weeks pregnant. The first month was a complete wash, as far as productivity goes. I literally slept, laid on the couch, or ate all day long.

Our homeschool lessons were done on the couch. We were rapidly going through food. I missed 3 playdates. I got behind on birth class preparations. The house was trashed every day by the time my husband got home.

Speaking of my husband... I'd just like to take a moment and brag on him. He's pretty awesome normally, but the second I showed him the positive pregnancy tests he became Super Dad! He doesn't complain if I've had a rough day and the house is a wreck. He said nothing when I didn't get a single load of dishes or laundry done for THREE WEEKS! He just did them, took out the trash, swept the floor, put the kids to bed, or WHATEVER was needed for a FULL three weeks. I'm pretty sure he gets the "Dad Of The Year" award!

So, now where we are at is I'm getting through the mornings. We have breakfast, get dressed, go to appointments, and do school. Lunch time gets a little rough, but I'm only nauseous if my stomach gets empty. We can sometimes squeeze more school in after lunch. However, by 1:30 when those little ones are ready to rest, so is momma. I rest with them on the couch while big kids watch a movie. That gives me a short burst of energy... until 4:00.

Something happens each day at 4. It's almost on the dot! I am suddenly weak, tired, and unable to accomplish anything. Luckily my hubby is usually home around 5 so I just have to make it an hour. Despite my newfound energy (which is hardly anything in comparison to the norm), I am still barely getting anything accomplished!

I've had to re-think my expectations. I've learned to re-evaluate my goals at the end of the day. Because the expectations I had 9 1/2 weeks ago just don't seem nearly as important anymore... Because in 7 months our life will get even crazier... Because my kids deserve their mommy to be "all in", not so focused on all the other things that don't matter in the long run anyway.

These are the things I am committed to right now. These are the things that are important.

1. Our mornings begin with worship and prayer. Even if it's just while I feed the masses their breakfast! It's something we all need.

2. Our days end with worship and prayer. See the trend? I am 100% ok with the fact that I cannot do it on my own right now, and I NEED my God to help me through... we all do!

3. I am making the most of my "couch time". If I'm weak or tired we do things like read a book (sometimes a big kid will read), have "concerts" while the big kids practice piano, or just snuggle with mommy. I don't want to look back on this first trimester and regret the time I haven't spent with my kiddos. I'm paying attention... just from the couch view. :)

4. Remember that the 2nd trimester is right around the corner, and all the projects & things I've put off will eventually get done.

5. Remember that a messy house is the least of my worries. A sink full of dishes is ok for now. The pile of laundry can wait. I have 5 children who are more important and a baby growing inside of me that is requiring my full energy and strength right now. Those are the things that matter... feeding and caring for the 6 children God has blessed me with, even though one is not here yet.

Exciting news!!

We've been blessed with 5 beautiful children. They're physically healthy. They're absolutely hilarious. They're almost always a handful.

Do I wish my house were cleaner? Yes. 

Do I wish I could afford to send them to the school I want? Some days. 

Do I get tired of the dishes, the laundry, the tantrums & the snot? Absolutely. 

Do I regret having a large family?

NEVER!

This was not my plan. I didn't like and/or want babies. I never dreamed about having a bunch of kids. 

However, it's become my dream. It's turned into my plan. I've learned that my "plans" are boring. If I can forget about my checklists & goals, I find that God's plans for our family are so much cooler! 

Recently my husband and I thought we might be done having babies. In fact, between the special needs, crazy schedules & our 5 kiddos, life was hectic enough! What kind of person finds out their child is on the Autism Spectrum and decides to have another baby?! It's not culturally acceptable! We just had to replace a dryer and a refrigerator. We can't afford another baby anyway! It would be irresponsible. Not to mention, babies grow up. We are barely keeping our heads above water here! This is not the time. We should probably be done. 

On Labor Day I attended the Improving Birth Rally in St. Louis with our oldest daughter. The entire time I was surrounded by pregnant moms, new babies, and other birth educators, like myself. I just felt strange. I couldn't put my finger on it! 

Maybe I've stayed up late one too many nights this week...

Maybe I need some caffeine...

Maybe I'm coming down with something...

Allergies?...

I got some lunch, headed home, and went up to our room for a minute. Then I had a thought. "Maybe I should take a pregnancy test!" So I did... 2 lines. 

I quickly check the package: 

2 lines = PREGNANT!

So, I took another: 2 lines... & another: 2 lines... FIVE TESTS LATER, I went to show my husband. He was outside starting the grill for our Labor Day BBQ. I showed him & he says "what are you telling me? Are you pregnant?" I nodded. He asks "So, how accurate are these things?" Haha! We didn't tell a soul. 

The rest of the week I took a total of 10 positive pregnancy tests. I had to believe it now... 

So, a month later here I am. I am exhausted and starving. We told my parents & doctors, then my 2 best friends (bc momma needed some support). We waited a while, and got a due date from our midwife at our first appointment. Then we told the rest of our families & friends. I announced it at church, then on Facebook this morning. 

Normally I tell the news immediately. This time around I just needed more time. I wanted to adjust & feel ok with it all. So, despite hurt feelings, we told people in our order & our time. Unfortunately in the meantime family members were assuming and some hurtful things were said. Even more unfortunate was my hormonal outrage when I found out those things were said. 

But now that all of my world knows, I'd like to make it clear:

1. This baby is a blessing. 

2. This baby was planned by God. 

3. I am trusting God daily for our future, our finances, and my sanity. 

4. Comments that point those things out do not help, but only create undue stress on my fragile emotions right now. 

Also:

No, we are not trying to beat anyone's record. 

No, we do not want to be on tv. 

Yes, we know how this happens. 

Yes, they all have the same father. 

Yes, we know how much college costs. 

Yes, our hands are full.

Our hands are full of beautiful, hilarious, brilliant, sweet & wonderful blessings that we get the honor of raising!

So, I am officially announcing to my little blogging world:

Baby #6 is Due May 5 and I could not be more thrilled, nervous & blessed than I am at this moment! :)