Tight ropes and duct tape

Postpartum depression. 

We all know the term.

According to the website Postpartum Progress,

"Recent research has found that 15% of new moms get postpartum depression, or one in seven.  We know, however, that in women of low socioeconomic status the rate jumps to 25%.  Since approximately 4 million babies are born each year, that would mean at least 600,000 women in the U.S. have PPD annually. We would argue that number is even higher, because there are 6 million clinically recognized pregnancies each year (including live births and pregnancy losses) and we know that women who’ve suffered miscarriages are also at risk of PPD. This means it’s more likely that more than 800,000 women a year get PPD."

It's not just depression either! According to the same website, 

this is a list of perinatal mood and anxiety disorders you should know about:

Postpartum Depression 

Antenatal Depression 

Postpartum Anxiety 

Postpartum OCD 

Postpartum Panic Disorder 

Postpartum Post-Traumatic Stress DisorderPostpartum Psychosis

As a birth educator, this is important to me. 

As a mother, this is important to me. 

As human beings, this should be important to all of us. 

Why? 

Well... 

Do you have a mother? 

Do you have a wife or sister or daughter who is or could someday be a mother? 

Do you know anyone, anywhere, who might ever be a mother? 

You do?

GREAT! Then we're all on the same page here. 

MOTHERS ARE IMPORTANT!

So, if mothers are important and babies are important... then why does most of our society de-value the work that it takes to create and birth both of these. Like I said in my birth story... the thing I love about birth is that a baby is not the only thing born. The act of valuing the mothers and families that are also birthed & begun when a baby is born is of utmost importance, and yet our actions are speaking louder than our weak and shallow words.

We say we believe that women deserve paid maternity leave. We say that new moms should rest after having baby. We say that we believe in women's rights.

BUT

What I'm seeing, as an Educator... What I'm seeing as a Doula... What I'm seeing as a new mom...

Is the exact opposite.

Mothers are expected to go back to work at 6 weeks postpartum.

Family members are coming to visit from across the country NOT TO TAKE CARE OF A NEW MOM, but to stay, expecting this mother to cook & entertain.

New fathers are not helping their significant other with the baby throughout the night, resulting in a more exhausted mom the next day, THEN being disgruntled that she's "being emotional".

Meals are not being brought to new mothers following their birth like they used to.

The expectation of a baby sleeping through the night or being on a schedule is looming over new mothers' heads.

There's pressure from magazines and even significant others or family members to lose baby weight quickly and fit back into pre-pregnancy clothing. 

HOW ARE THESE THINGS HONORING THE IMPORTANCE OF MOTHERS?

These things can make a new mom feel like she has a thousand expectations and responsibilities all while trying to care for her baby. It's like someone who has never done it before, juggling while walking across a tight rope. It's impossible and potentially dangerous.

How can we change this? What can we do to help? 

There's a concept taught by the Bradley Method of Childbirth, called the
"Six Needs of a Laboring Woman". 

I have come up with the

FIVE NEEDS OF A POSTPARTUM WOMAN

1. Freedom to feel

New mothers have a hormonal circus going on inside of them. Their hormones just reached heights, during birth, that they will only ever reach again if they have another baby. A breastfeeding mother still has to produce milk and has a quickly shrinking uterus that also requires her endocrine system to work overtime. Oxytocin, in particular, is at its peak during birth and postpartum. 

THIS IS ALL NORMAL AND OKAY!

Let it be okay for mom to be emotional. She will go from happy and laughing to teary-eyed and fragile within moments. 

2. Freedom to rest

When I had my first baby, the nurses just told me "sleep when the baby sleeps and don't over-do it"... that was it. Now that I have had six babies, I know that this advice is the greatest, but often most unattainable advice new moms are given. 

I give all my students & clients the same advice:

Commit to one full week in bed, with your baby. While you're there, you nap, nurse your baby A LOT, read books to or play games with other children, eat healthy meals and snacks, find a new show to watch on Netflix, read a new book, drink tons of water... This is how milk supply is established. This is how you recover. Then, take a week and continue to rest. This doesn't mean in bed all day, but just hanging out & nursing as much and as often as baby would like. During this time, you are not the family chef or the errand runner. You have friends and family that can step in. If you do not, there are postpartum doulas who do just this. After two weeks, I encourage everyone to take weeks 2 through 4 and begin to slowly start doing things, but not overly-strenuous activities like grocery shopping with all your children, going to the zoo, vacuuming, or walking up and down steps all day long. Also steer clear of potentially emotionally strenuous activities such as dealing with your mother-in-law. You are the boss. You know what you can handle. I'm talking to new moms here, but those around you need to give you the chance to heal properly. Postpartum recovery is important NOW and for the future. 

3. Freedom to nurse

I'm going to say very little about this, as I could quickly go off on a tangent. Nursing around the clock is safe, healthy & what comes natural to babies. They need the nutrition often because their tummies are so very tiny in those first weeks. Your nipples need the stimulation to trigger your body to produce milk. Both mom and baby need the oxytocin stimulation produced during breastfeeding. You cannot nurse too often in those first weeks.  Ignore anyone's comments or opinions that suggest otherwise. Your milk supply will benefit greatly from this.

4. Freedom to practice self-care

Moms... YOU ARE IMPORTANT. Baby is too. All too often though, we are so focused on the resting, nursing, eating, drinking, and possibly pumping that we forget to do the important things like shower, take our vitamins, or brush our teeth. If you have a partner, relative or friend willing to hang out with or wear a sleeping baby for you between feedings... take this opportunity to get a quick shower and fix your hair. Heck, maybe even shave your legs! Developing habits of self-care as a new mother is super important! You are definitely worth it!

5. Freedom to make mistakes

Veteran moms... raise your hand if you've ever made a mistake. If we were in a room together, every mother would raise her hand. We are all human. No one is perfect. We all screw up as parents at some point & our children will all be okay. Give yourself some grace to be imperfect, mommas. 

And everyone else, who is watching from the sidelines? Do us all a favor & just keep your opinions to yourself. If she doesn't ask for advice, don't give it. If she seems overwhelmed, ask if you can help, but don't pressure her. Sometimes we need to conquer things for ourselves to prove we can do it. This could be a trip to the grocery store or the first day that our husband goes back to work. If, as an onlooker, you simply cannot help yourself & think you may offer advice from when you had babies... 

by all means use duct tape.

Easton & I, hours after he was born

V is for VICTORY!

I have had two really good weeks. I wasn't sure if they would ever come, but they have and it's been wonderful. I've been really struggling with Postpartum Anxiety and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder since Easton was born & there were days when I thought I would never get better.

Here's how it went down... During my birth, I had a prolonged second stage. As I was pushing, we discovered a lip of my cervix that had not dilated. I had to try not to push while my midwife manually stratched that part of my cervix. Yes, it hurt. Well, if you've read my first birth story, you know that I was told to stop pushing with that birth as well. It wasn't a pleasant experience. In fact, if I close my eyes, I can see it all in my head. I can almost relive it right now. It was traumatic. So you can imagine what went down when those same feelings were triggered during this last birth.

The day after Easton was born, I spiked a fever from a bacterial infection and was in the ER. Anytime you have a fever less than 48 hours postpartum, there are lots of red flags. It could be just a virus... or it could be something very serious. So, obviously we were verifying that it was nothing serious. However, I had a perception of danger and a serious fear that I was going to die and never see my babies again. That is the down side of being a birth educator in situations like this. I know all the possible outcomes.

Then, because I was sick, in the hospital for a day and had experienced a very intense birth, I wasn't able to spend the time with him immediately after like I had wanted. We didn't bond like we should have. He had a tongue tie. I was on antibiotics. I was dehydrated. My milk didn't come in. It was a recipe for a disaster.

So, that's what caused it. Throw in a few other difficult situations and a challenging breastfeeding experience & that's been my life for almost 5 months.

The amount of time I've spent praying, reflecting, writing, venting & caring for myself has been crazy. I think that if everyone had to go through a Postpartum experience like this, we'd be a very wise, deep, in-touch culture. Haha! I've never learned so much about myself while feeling so much UNLIKE myself all at the same time.

I mentioned recently that I've had a lot of critics lately and I think so much of that was because no one has ever seen me go through anything like this. I've never been through so much AT ONE TIME before. And going through it all while battling a mental/emotional disorder is something else entirely.

There were weeks when I wouldn't sleep. I would be up all night, reliving Easton's birth... reliving his first days. I've gone through every possible scenario, and I know how each little decision could have changed the course of events. I can't change any of them though. It's too late.

I settled on that fact recently. I can't change any of this. Bad stuff happened. Hard stuff happened. But I am focusing on the good outcomes... like my precious Easton. He's going to be 6 months old tomorrow and he is precious. He's crawling, pulling up, trying to wave and talk... of course, the baby who I feel like I missed so much with is doing everything so fast. Haha!

I'm focusing on my baby, I'm taking care of myself, and I dove headfirst into my work more than ever before. I began to channel all of my disappointment and anxiety into serving and educating other mommas. I keep my Essential Oils going and I just keep pouring into these moms because the only reason right now that I can see for me having to walk through this stuff, is so that I can help more moms.

So this week I had several good days. I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I felt like myself more days than not. It's going to be fine. I can't wait to get to the other side of all this, look back and say "I MADE IT!"But for now, a couple good days in a row is a good enough victory for me. And as my 6 year old says... "V is for VICTORY!"

There Is A Season (turn, turn, turn)

Seasons change. I taught my children about this in our homeschool this year.

As far as the literal seasons, I personally am a fan of warm weather, so late spring to early fall are my favorite seasons. I like flowers, swimming, tank tops, flip flops, and being outside. Cold weather means I'm inside more. Cold weather means coats. Cold weather means socks. Boo to all of those things!

However, whether I like it or not, winter is necessary. There must be seasons in order for the "circle of life" (thank you Lion King) to happen. We have to have that dying season, where plant life rests, for the other more beautiful seasons to happen. And sometimes in the winter, if we get lucky, we get brief glimpses of beauty.

Well, so it is in the metaphorical seasons of our lives. At least, that's what I'm learning.

You see, I prefer the warm, pretty season where I get to be comfortable. This is the season where my life isn't so difficult. It's the season when I am still working, but life is not one thing after another. I get to enjoy!

However, I seem to have been in an extended "winter" season for the past few months. Nothing has gone the way it was supposed to. Nothing has been easy. Actually, everything has gone very, very wrong. I do not want to just whine while I blog, so I'll make it short and simple. In the past 8 months, everything from Eli's ASD to our finances, my birth, breastfeeding, my mental and emotional health, Easton's health... all of it has gone terribly wrong.

And it's not enough that it's all been so crappy, but on top of everthing in my personal life being like this, a handful of people around me have all found it necessary to critique everything I say and do. I NEVER post frustrations or vent on Facebook. However, I do have an incredibly supportive group of friends on there who NO MATTER WHAT, will always be on my side, encouraging me. So I've vented a few times, gaining the encouraging words I truly needed... but always after that SOMEONE has to give their opinion. As usual, I have to take the high road & either respond gracefully or not respond at all.

I often wonder if my spring time will ever come. I'm ready for a new season. For example, I'm ready to say goodbye to complications with medical bills & insurance that never would have happened if it weren't for all these health issues that never would have happened if it weren't for other things that never would have happened if... do you see how this works? I so often write and teach on the "snowball effect" of interventions in labor & childbirth. Well, it's certainly still winter & the snowballs are rolling.

But now I'm gonna pull out the Bible. There is a scripture in Ecclesiastes 3:1 that says
"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven."

My mom always reminds me that just because something is hard, doesn't mean it's bad. It's just hard.

So, here we are... going through a season... 
A season of hard stuff.
A season of disappointment.
A season of lost hopes.
A season of critics.
A season of learning experiences.
A season of growth.

Because after the winter... the spring comes. I'm holding out for the metaphorical spring and praying it comes before the literal one, considering it's just now November. 

When the "sometimes" sucks

Friends, do you remember in my birth story when I talked about the "sometimes"? 

.......................

All you need to know is the “sometimes”. 

Sometimes things don’t go how we have planned. 

Sometimes it’s hard and we really have to work for what is important to us. 

Sometimes we not only have to work, but we have to fight. 

Sometimes, when it’s all said and done, you discover something you never knew. 

You uncover a warrior inside of you. 

I had never realized what I was truly capable of, 

and yet how much I needed everyone around me to get to that place.

.......................

Well, we've been walking through the "sometimes" since Easton was born. Things I've never dealt with. Things that came as a COMPLETE shock to me. Things that at the same time are bringing my family closer together. 

It's gone a little something like this...

Sometimes you get a UTI. 

Sometimes you spend a day in the ER when you are 2 days postpartum. 

Sometimes because of the infection & dehydration from the fever, your milk doesn't come in. 

Sometimes you give your baby donor milk in a bottle because it's been 5 days & he's hungry. 

Sometimes when your milk finally comes in, 8 days after birth, it's not a full supply. 

Sometimes you work for 6 weeks to get your supply up to half of your baby's feedings.

Sometimes your baby stops latching for no apparent reason. 

Sometimes your supply then drops for no apparent reason. 

Sometimes you learn how to exclusively pump even though you've only used a breastpump about 5 times before having this baby. 

Sometimes every one has some brilliant idea for you to try. 

Sometimes you've tried them all & nothing helps. 

Sometimes there are no answers.

Sometimes it feels like everything is falling apart & everything has gone wrong.

BUT...

Sometimes you get a second opinion & the lactation consultant discovers a bacterial infection that never went away & is now external on your nipples... which means sometimes the pain is not "just because you're exclusively pumping". :)

Sometimes the community of women you have surrounding you step up to support you. 

Sometimes you are still working hard for every ounce of breastmilk you can give your baby. 

Sometimes you are brought to tears when you long to nurse your baby because you've done this five times and you would give anything to just nurse him.

Sometimes you're also brought to tears knowing that each of these women who have donated milk to your baby are now a special part of his life. 

Sometimes the hard stuff just plain sucks. 

Sometimes it's worth it because you gain something you never would have before. 

Sometimes you have to remind yourself of this. 

Like, every day. 

Ten times every day. 

While you eat chocolate. 

One of our last latches... for now... :)

My life... coffee, essential oils, and this beauty. Oh the sound of the breastpump...

Easton's BIRTH

The day has finally come!

Well, at least for those of you as obsessed with birth stories as I am.

After weeks of squeezing in writing time between nursing and pumping and diapers... 

editing songs and pictures over and over at 1am until they are *perfect*...

then deleting and starting over because you need a clean slate...

FINALLY I have completed my birth story & slideshow. Easton's birth was not like my last. It was not like my first. In fact it was not like any of my other births.

(To see those birth stories click HERE, HERE, and HERE.) 

That is one of my favorite things about birthing and parenting. 
Each birth, each pregnancy, each child is different. 

I have SIX now. 

(cr@zy)

Among all six of my children, there may be a few similarities, 

but not a single experience is the same from child to child. 

They keep you on your toes!

My births have all been a little different, and this one is no exception. This little (actually my biggest) guy took a little longer, made me work a little harder, and in the end has taught me so much about birth... and life.

Hope you enjoy!

(stick around through Part 2 for the video)

Here's part 1 of Easton's Homebirth

Easton's BIRTH- Part 1

Easton’s Birth Story
Part 1

I was certain that I would go into labor at 39 weeks. Positively certain. So, after 38 weeks, 39 weeks, 40 weeks, and this blog post… I was still pregnant. 

I had taken maternity photos, done a belly cast, had henna painted, processed through all my previous births, and enjoyed every last moment of my pregnancy. My house had been cleaned, the bassinet was ready, and my birth kit was waiting in my bedroom. I was literally just waiting for baby!

After weeks of start & stop contractions and prodromal labor, I had our midwife strip my membranes at my 40-week appointment on Tuesday. My dad was leaving town early Thursday morning, and my midwife would be out of town over the upcoming weekend. I was feeling anxious, even though there was nothing I could do. If I didn’t have a baby soon, it was not going to go as planned. 

If you know me at all… you know I like everything to go as planned. 

Also, if you know me at all, you know that in my life 

nothing ever goes as I planned. 

So, I had to just trust that God had a plan for this birth, and that it would be the perfect timing for both baby & I.

I knew typically if stripping the membranes were going to start labor that would usually happen within 24-48 hours. So when nothing had happened by Thursday morning I was pretty convinced nothing was going to happen any time soon. I had been having contractions, but they would never pick up in intensity or get any closer. So, I called my mom to come over on Thursday morning to go walk with the kids & I somewhere. I figured I might as well help baby settle into the best position possible. As all birth educators and doulas know, walking is an excellent way to do that!

Another little glitch in my plan was that I had planned on having a friend photograph our birth. It was one of those “birth bucket list” things that was really important to me if this were to be our last. Well, Wednesday afternoon I saw on Facebook that our photographer had the flu. I couldn’t have a sick person come into my home when I’m giving birth! So, I called another photographer friend, Valerie. She & I had jokingly talked about having her as a backup in case I go so fast that the other photographer couldn’t make it. She said she would be good to go as my backup as long as I didn’t go into labor that day. 

“Cross your legs until 9pm” 

Those were her exact words to me. I was pretty sure that wouldn’t be a problem. I was convinced that this baby wasn’t coming anytime soon.

Michael was working from home that day. I had the kids pick up the house “just in case”. My mom came over, and we decided to go to the park. As I was getting ready, I just felt kind of crampy. The cramps weren’t coming in waves or regularly. I just felt weird. 

At the park we walked… and walked… and walked. I was having a few Braxton Hicks contractions, but nothing big. We went home to have lunch. That afternoon the contractions stopped all together. I knew they would. I was expecting them too! So, after the kids took naps, I had Michael come with the kids & I on a walk around our neighborhood. Things started up again. This time the cramping & Braxton Hicks seemed to be alternating. I was pretty sure it would still be a couple days, but again, “just in case”, I sent Michael & our oldest to their baseball game that evening while my mom came over to stay with me. We cleaned up a little and made sure the important areas of the house were ready. I was having a few more random contractions, but again nothing big or regular.

That night, after Michael had come home, my mom was playing checkers with the older kids after their baths. I went upstairs to put our 2 year old to bed. Around 8:30, as I nursed him (bucket list… nursing through pregnancy), inhaling my relaxing essential oils, I started having a couple stronger contractions. It was pretty normal for me to contract while nursing as it produces Oxytocin, which is the hormone that starts contractions. However, usually they would stop and never go anywhere. At 9:00 he was snoring on our bed, and I had another strong contraction. 

Valerie had said not until 9… 

our midwife was in town...

but my dad was in California. 

I tried not to think about that part.

Michael came in to check on us, and I told him I was having contractions. He had just sent my mom home. Everyone was in bed & I was, as usual, in denial.

At 11:00, I decided this could be something. I was having good, strong contractions, but they still weren’t in a very good pattern. They were about every 4-8 minutes and only 30-45 seconds long. During my last labor, the shower was really helpful for me to determine if labor was real or false. So, I thought perhaps that would help me determine if this was real labor or not. Into the shower I went… within moments, I was uncomfortable & the contractions were simply unbearable. Then, I thought maybe I should eat something & drink a bunch of water. These contractions seemed way more intense than usual for early labor.

By 11:30 I was 75% sure that this was the real thing. I had Michael make me eggs & I sent a text to our midwife, Jessica, as well as our doula/friend/birth assistant, Teresa. I let them know I was pretty sure I was in early labor still, but that the contractions were more intense than last time. Michael also sent my mom a text, which I’m so glad he did. Around 12 I began to have to stop talking and focus a little more on the rushes that were coming. My mom came around this time in case any of the kids woke up. Jessica called Miranda, her student midwife. Both of them, as well as Teresa, were heading my way. They knew how fast I usually go once I get into active labor, so we all felt most comfortable having them close by. At this point contractions were picking up to every 3-6 minutes.

Click HERE for PART TWO

& my Birth Slideshow

Easton's BIRTH- Part 2

Easton's Birth 
PART 2

*if you haven't read part 1, CLICK HERE to read*



As we waited for everyone to arrive, I had Michael start to fill up the birth tub down in our family room. I hadn’t really planned on birthing in it, but I knew I wanted it as an option. I put on a little makeup and fixed my hair… this is how Michael knew. 

He always says he knows it’s real labor when I put my makeup on. 
It was the real deal. 

It was 12:30 and contractions were 3-5 minutes apart and building, but still feeling random. I sent Valerie a text to let her know.

I labored for a while as the tub filled. 

Just a bit of advice. 
Birth tubs make rooms humid. 
Humidity ruins pretty hair. 
Fixing your hair before you hang out in said room is a waste of time. 

Back to the birth…

By 1:30 Jessica, Miranda, and Teresa had arrived. The interesting thing about my contractions at this point was that they were coming consistently, but the intensity was weird. They would be strong, and then get lighter, then stronger, and then light again. I never knew quite what to expect.

I labored throughout the early morning hours with contractions still at every 3-5 minutes. Valerie arrived sometime. I was in labor land, so I have no idea what really happened. I remember talking & laughing between contractions. I also remember my mom mentioning the book she gave me when I first got pregnant with our oldest & how it made me sick to see the pictures of birthing. I got the book out to show everyone, which is really funny to me. It’s a great book that I have used in my birth classes actually! I just find it funny that I felt the need to have show & tell during my labor.

They look amused, don't they? Haha!

Anyway, I do know that around 3:30 I wanted to be in the water. I debated in my head whether it was time or not… & then after a contraction, I just knew. Within moments I was in that tub. I had now been up for a while & was getting really tired. 
The water was super relaxing. 
Now I know why mommas love their water births!

Contractions still felt inconsistent as far as intensity, but regardless, I began to feel pushy around 6:30. I had the thought that I wanted to have someone check me, but they had just shown my mom the “purple line” about an hour before that and it showed that I was really close. So, I figured I was probably fully dilated.

If you don't know what "the purple line" is... check this out. It's pretty amazing!

We woke up our oldest daughter so she didn’t miss anything & our 2 year old had started to wake up at this time too. It was almost time to meet our baby!

I pushed… and grunted… and growled… and pushed some more. I had never felt such strange contractions. They were spreading far apart, which can be normal to give your body some rest between. They didn’t feel as powerful as they should though. My water still hadn’t broken, but we thought we *maybe* saw it leaking. Perhaps that would help things intensify? Slowly, as I’m working through these weird contractions, our other kids began to wake up. I felt weak & tired. Almost like I could fall asleep between contractions. So, I rested, but assumed we were getting close. I knew it had been a longer active labor, but I was so tired at this point that I didn’t realize how long I had been pushing!

After an hour of pushing with no results, Jessica got a look on her face. I know that look. It’s the same one she got when she thought I was losing too much blood after our last birth (really it was just the placenta coming out right after baby). 

I can hear her voice now saying
 “I need you to show me that you can push this baby out on the next contraction”. 

So I tried, but the contraction was so weak! I couldn’t get enough power behind it to feel like I was doing anything! She then said I needed to get out of the water. I didn't hesitate. This was about 7:30 am.

I got right out of the water & lay on the couch where she was going to check me. Sure enough, there was a lip of my cervix that wasn’t dilated & my water still hadn’t broken. It was bulging and firm. Baby would not be able to descend until we got past that lip. As I waited, trying not to push, for 2-3 contractions, Jessica slowly stretched that lip of my cervix. As soon as she was finished, my bag of waters ruptured on the next contraction. 
It was such a relief. 

However, she then needed me to try not to push through a few more contractions, so that my cervix could slowly stretch & baby could descend. We decided it would be best if I stood, allowing gravity to help. Well, it sure did. As soon as I stood up, baby descended and I felt those strong, uncontrollable contractions that I should have felt an hour before that!

As soon as baby dropped down, I felt lots of pressure. Amniotic fluid poured out all over Michael & I. Then the next thing I knew, baby was pushing on my bladder so strongly that I peed right there in my family room on the floor… on my husband’s feet. Haha! I couldn’t help it! At this point, I couldn’t even stand any longer. Michael was holding me up completely. I just remember I kept saying “I’m sorry- I have to push. I can’t wait. I’m so sorry!” I was trying to follow my instructions, but I couldn’t stop the urge to push.

There are 2 words that come to mind when I think of the next moments… 
intense & violent. 



I would have never used the word violent to describe such a beautiful moment as birth, but as my legs began to shake and I felt my baby coming out with such force, no better word comes to mind! Within moments I was scared, nervous, weak, emotional, and ready to get this baby out. I squeezed Michael’s arm, hearing everyone tell me how good I was doing and how I should give one more good push. 
I just cried,

“I can’t!" 

I had made it all along being such a good birther. 
I had moaned. I had breathed. 
I had done everything I was supposed to do, 
but in that moment I just couldn’t take any more! 
My cries were met with instant replies from my husband and amazing birth team. 

“Yes, you can!”

So, I pushed through the most extreme, burning, fiery pain I’ve ever felt. I had never had a birth like this. I had never known such weakness & yet strength in my body all at the same time. I gave one last growl & felt the head, followed by 2 shoulders, and then body & legs come out. I knew what each part was as my baby literally was ejected from my body. As I fought through, I felt so much emotion. I felt so much love. This baby that I had been waiting for was finally here!

At 8:02 am, as my husband held me, and my children waited on the steps watching with my mom, I heard someone say “Kourtney reach down & grab your baby”. As I pulled this little one up to my chest, I practically fell onto the nearby couch. I couldn’t stand, but my heart was so full at that instant that I didn’t even notice how weak I was. Michael & I just held our baby and cried. We didn’t care if it was a boy or a girl. We didn’t care how long it had taken. We had conquered this amazing, beautiful thing during this birth & for that brief moment time seemed to stand still. We looked at every finger and toe. We stroked that sweet, soft skin. I just held my baby & breathed in deeply, taking in every last bit of that amazing newborn smell.

After those precious minutes had passed I looked over to Michael & said “are you ready to find out?” Jessica & Miranda had already snuck a peek, but since they’re awesome they didn’t say anything. 

I should also mention that most everyone thought we were having a girl. Our boy-girl pattern had become pretty predictable. My mom & I, however, had been thinking it could be a boy, since I felt like it was a bigger baby. My boys are usually longer & weigh more.
 So, back to the story…

We hesitated for a split second. I made sure the kids were all watching. Then, Michael pulled open the skinniest, longest baby legs I’ve ever seen to find out… 

IT’S A BOY! 

We looked over to find our boys with the BIGGEST smiles on their faces. Our oldest daughter said, “I guess God thought we needed another sweet boy.” 
*sigh*
Precious. Just precious.

There are many more details that I could ramble on about... 

I could tell you about how wonderful it was to walk up to my bedroom 
and change into dry clothes. 
I could tell you about how hungry I was or how sore I was the next day- 
like I’d been in a car accident or something. 
My entire body ached from those last 45 minutes of fierce labor! 

However, I don’t need to go into all that.

All you need to know is the “sometimes”. 
Sometimes things don’t go how we have planned. Sometimes it’s hard and we really have to work for what is important to us. Sometimes we not only have to work, but we have to fight. Sometimes, when it’s all said and done, you discover something you never knew. 
You uncover a warrior inside of you. 
I had never realized what I was truly capable of, and yet how much I needed everyone around me to get to that place.

That isn’t the end of the story. We still had a long postpartum road to walk through. 
But for that brief moment, I had a glimpse of perfection. 
An absolutely perfect, 8 pound 8 ounce, 21 ½ inch long baby boy who made those hours of labor completely worth it. Someday I might not remember all these details, but I will always remember who I became that day. That’s the unseen beauty of giving birth. 

No matter how many times you do it, 
a baby is not the only one who is born. 


And now...

EASTON'S HOMEBIRTH